Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year."

 The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than once a week!"

 The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

 Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

 The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

 The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

 The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

[BLACK ICE]

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

[BLACK ICE]

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

 Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

 He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

 "Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[BLACK ICE]

Patient to Dentist: "How much to get my teeth straightened?"

 "Twenty thousand bucks" Patient heads for the door.

 Dentist to patient: "Where are you going?"

 "To a plastic surgeon to get my mouth bent."

[BLACK ICE]

A woman in her 90’s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

 He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

 Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.

[BLACK ICE]

One day a man takes his frail, elderly mother into hospital.
 "I hope the nurses treat you well, mum." he said.
 After a while, the old lady slowly tilts to one side, so 2 nurses put her back up.
 In half an hour, the old lady tilts to the other side, so the same nurses pick her back up again. When the woman's son comes to see how she\'s doing, he says, \"Have the nurses been treating you well?\"
 "Yes," replied his mum. "But they won't let me fart!

[BLACK ICE]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.
 "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

 The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

 The doctor took the husband aside. "You’re in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn’t give me an erection either

[BLACK ICE]

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

 The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

 The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

 Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

[BLACK ICE]

A physician passed away and was being screened for the destination of his soul’s eternal afterlife.
 Unfortunately, he’d been a bit of a lout, a quack, and greedy to boot, so he wasn’t quite certain what to expect.
 Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, St Peter greeted him, and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds he may find the choices rather hellish.
 Upon opening door #1, he witnessed fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, and quickly closed it.
 Upon viewing the spectacle behind door #2, he was even more horrified to observe various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease and other maladies to terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
 With trepidation he opened Door #3 to discover therein groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps! He rushed excitedly back to saint Peter and proclaimed, "I’ll take door #3!" "Oh, no, I’m afraid that’s not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That’s NURSES’ Hell!"

[BLACK ICE]

A doctor was caring for a woman in the hospital from Kentucky and asked, "So how’s your breakfast this morning?" "It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The doctor asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly

[BLACK ICE]

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2014!"
"Great Nancy , but how?" asked Harry.
"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
 So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
 The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?"
 "Yes we are!" said Nancy , "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color."
 They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
 A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
 For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
 Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
 "Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two a...holes!"

[BLACK ICE]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live a long life. What should I do?"

 "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let’s see, do you smoke?"

 "Oh.. Half a pack a day."

 "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

 The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

 "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

 "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

 The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

 The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

 "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

 "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

 The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

 "Do you want to live long?"

 "Yes."

 "Well then, it’s absolutely necessary. And don’t even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

 "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

 "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

 The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?"

 "I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

 

[BLACK ICE]

                             
A lady goes to her priest one day and
tells him, ‘Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,
                             
But they only know to say one thing.'
                             

'What do they say?' the priest asked.
                             

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....
                             

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.  I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to
pray ...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in
the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying…




That phrase…  In no time.'

‘Thank you,’ the woman responded 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
                             
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them…

After a few minutes, her female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to  have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...
                             

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,


'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!
                 

[BLACK ICE]

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[BLACK ICE]

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

 So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

 One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

 Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

 God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

 Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

 God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

 Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"