Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

A world class jockey is about to enter a competition on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, ‘’All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.'’

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

 They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers ‘Aleeee ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

 At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘’It’s no good, I’ll have to do it,'’ and yells, ‘’ALLLEEE OOOP!'’ really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

 The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ‘’Nothing is wrong with me - it’s this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?'’

The trainer replies, ‘’Deaf? DEAF? He’s not deaf - he’s BLIND!'’

[BLACK ICE]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

 At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

 So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

 So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

 When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey aren’t you the inventor of woman?"

 Adam says, "Yes."

 "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
 1) There is too much front end protusion
 2) It chatters at high speeds
 3) The rear end wobbles too much
 4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

 "Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

 So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

 The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

 He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[BLACK ICE]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

 She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

 The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

 His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

 Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[BLACK ICE]

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."

 The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"

 The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

 The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."

 The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

 The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

 The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

 The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

 The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

 The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

 The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

 The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long."

 The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

 The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, "Ready!"

 The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

 The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!"

 The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a  outhouse door off a tuna boat."

 He got the job.

[BLACK ICE]

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That’s OK. I’ll follow you on my Moped.

[BLACK ICE]

One day NikNasty is walking into town with a wagon load of duct tape. Farmer Jim say's where are you going with all that duct tape.
 NikNasty says "I'm going to catch me some ducks"
 "You aint gonna catch no ducks with that there duck tape" Says Farmer Jim
 But sure enough the next day NickNasty comes back with some ducks and a wagon load of Chicken Wire
 "What are you going to do with all that Chicken Wire? Now don't tell me...." Says Farmer Jim
 NikNasty says " I'm gonna catch me some chickens"
 "You aint going to catch no chickens with that there Chickenwire" Says Farmer Jim
 But sure enough the next day Niknasty rolls into town with chickens and a wagon load of PussyWillows
 Farmer Jim says "Is that a wagon load of PussyWillows?"
 "Yup, the finest I could find" says NikNasty
 Father Jim says "Wait I'll go get my coat"

[BLACK ICE]

Hello?
 Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone?
 No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
 After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don't have an Uncle Paul.
 Oh yes I do, & he's upstairs in the room with mommy right now.
 Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy's car just pulled up.
 Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the little girl comes back to the phone.
 I did it daddy.
 And what happened honey?
 Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn't moving at all!
 OMG!!!
 What bout your uncle Paul?
 He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think he's dead!
 Real long pause!
 Then daddy says, Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?
 Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number

[BLACK ICE]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[BLACK ICE]

Cold Winter


The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the

winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

[Mac Attack]

 

[BLACK ICE]

 


A blonde, who had just dyed her hair, went to the hospital because her whole body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her nose and it hurt. She touched her stomach and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.

 "Look Here Lady, your finger is broken!"

[BLACK ICE]

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he
 read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would
 take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled
 cheek. Then, she would touch her own cheek, thoughtfully.

 Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

 "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

 "Did God make me too?" she asked.

 Yes, indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a
 little while ago."

 She touched his face and then her own again.

 "He's getting better at it, isn't He?" she said.

[BLACK ICE]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his
wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his
password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that
he was keying in
"guy thingy"
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

[Fishermantim]

Now that's a real good one!!!

[BLACK ICE]

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."