Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

A man goes to the toy store to buy his daughter a birthday present.
 Being a real macho guy, he has no idea what to get her so he asks
 for some assistance from a clerk.

 "I thought I'd buy her a doll", he says, "but which one should I get?"

 "Well, here we have some of the more popular ones. we have the Malibu
 Barbie for $12.00, which comes with a bathing suit and a towel. We have
 the Ballerina Barbie for $23.00, which comes with a tutu and a cassette.
 We have the Aerobics Barbie for $30.00, which comes with a leotard and
 a workout CD. And we have the new Divorce, Barbie for $1500.00."

 The man was flabbergasted. "Why does that one cost so much more
 than the others?"

 "Oh well that's easy.", replied the clerk, "This Barbie comes with Ken's
 car, Ken's boat, Ken's house, Ken's..."

[BLACK ICE]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that

her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the

family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug

her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

[BLACK ICE]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
 around with a fly swatter.

 "What are you doing?" She asked.

 "Hunting Flies" He responded.

 "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

 "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

 Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

 He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[BLACK ICE]

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
 approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"
 
 He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
 
 The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
 
 "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
 what that means."
 
 The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[BLACK ICE]

His and Hers ATM Machines
 

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM
 2. Insert card
 3. Enter PIN and account
 4. Take cash, card and receipt
 5. Drive away

HERS

1. Pull up to ATM
 2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
 4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
 6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
 8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
 9. Enter PIN
 10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
 12. Reenter correct PIN
 13. Check balance
 14. Look for envelope
 15. Look in purse for pen
 16. Make out deposit slip
 17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
 19. Study instructions
 20. Make cash withdrawal
 21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
 23. Look for keys
 24. Start car
 25. Check makeup
 26. Start pulling away
 27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
 29. Get out of car
 30. Take card and receipt
 31. Get back in car
 32. Put card in wallet
 33. Put receipt in checkbook
 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
 37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
 39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
 41. Release parking brake

[BLACK ICE]

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew
 

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
 *
 Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
 *
 Don't cut your hair. Ever.
 *
 Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he
 can find the perfect gift.
 *
 If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
 don't want to hear.
 *
 Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
 *
 Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint,
 shotguns, or monster trucks.
 *
 Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.
 *
 A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.
 *
 Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
 Let it be.
 *
 Shopping is not a sport.
 *
 Anything you wear is fine. Really.
 *
 You have enough clothes.
 *
 You have too many shoes.
 *
 Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.
 *
 Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.
 *
 Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
 *
 No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on
a calender.
 *
 Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he
 would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look
 good with your dress?
 *
 Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
 *
 A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
 *
 Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
 *
 Foreign movies are best left to foreigners.
 *
 Check your oil.
 *
 Don't give him 50 rules when 25 will do.
 *
 It is neither in your best interest nor his to take the quiz together.
 *
 Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All
 comments become null and void after 7 days.
 *
 If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret women, don't expect us to act
 like soap opera men.
 *
 If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
 makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.
 *
 You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done
 -not both.
 *
 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 *
 Consider golf a mini-vacation from each other. He needs it just as bad
 as you do.
 *
 Telling him that the models in men's magazines are airbrushed makes you
 look jealous and certainly is not going to deter him from reading them.
 *
 The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months.

[BLACK ICE]

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the
 waiting room, where their family member lay
 gravely ill.
 
 Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
 somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news"
 he said, as he surveyed the worried faces.
 "The only hope left for your loved one at this
 time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental
 procedure, semi-risky, and you'll have
 to pay for the brain yourselves."
 
 The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
 news.
 
 At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a
 brain cost?"
 
 The doctor quickly responded, "A female brain goes
 for $2,000. A male brain costs $5,000."
 
 The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried
 not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women,
 but some actually smirked.
 
 A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out
 the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why does
 the male brain cost so much more?"
 
 The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then
 said to the entire group, "It's a standard pricing
 procedure. We mark the female brains down
 because they're used."

[BLACK ICE]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided
 to wash his sweatshirt...

 Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
 shouted to me,

 "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 He yelled back, "Indiana University."

[BLACK ICE]

 man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[BLACK ICE]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[BLACK ICE]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[BLACK ICE]

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

[BLACK ICE]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
 And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

[BLACK ICE]

Things Women Don't Know
 

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training courses
 are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before


 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits


 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits


 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The
Game


 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too


 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His


 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First


 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking


 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging


 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire


 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up


 12. Introduction to Parking


 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space


 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat


 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter


 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption


 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People


 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully


 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His


 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To


 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have


 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice


 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together


 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both


 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[BLACK ICE]

One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.

The man says "Oh just a beer".

The bartender asked the man "What's wrong, why are you so down today?".

The man said "My wife and i got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month".

The bartender said "So what's wrong with that"?

The man said "Well the month is up tonight".