Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
 They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon,
 when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

 They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain
 sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would
 notify him as soon as they found something.

 Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the
 boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead
 at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and
 attached to her was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth
 $50,000 .. . ..please advise"

 The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

[BLACK ICE]

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
 The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
 and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
 I want a divorce."

 The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
 She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
 because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
 he's a much better lover than you."

 Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
 increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
 speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

 She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps
 driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

 She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
 credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
 a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you
 want?"

 The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

 She asks, "What's that?"

 The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
 "I've got the airbag!"

[BLACK ICE]

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a
 fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,
 peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
 "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
 yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and
 horrible death this year."

 Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then
 at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took
 a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.
 She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked
 her question.

 "Will I be acquitted?"

[BLACK ICE]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord,
 I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
 home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in
 our bodies." God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,
 cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
 fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home
 and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
 bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to
 the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery
shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's
 litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried
 to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the
kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
 argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the
 kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and
 watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
 washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans
 for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
 bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and,
 though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was
 expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord,
 I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
 able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned
 your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.

You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night.

[BLACK ICE]

Wisdom
 

Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a
 lot on the kind of chick he marries.

 Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
 salt that he forgets his sugar.

 Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

 When a man marries a woman, they become one, but the trouble starts
 when they try to decide which one.

 If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a
 thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.

 Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder
 that brides often blush.

 On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but
 never the present.

 A foolish husband remarks to his wife "Honey, you stick to the
 washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."

 The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest
 is kept up.

 Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make a
 bed, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.

 Grandpappy and his wife were discussin' their 50th wedding
 anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw,
 said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened
 50 years ago."

[BLACK ICE]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behavior or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don't have time for nonsense..."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg..."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

[BLACK ICE]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, 2
gold front teeth, and a half-inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into
the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi.
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.
I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for
nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he'll supply all your
clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you'll also have the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has
a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're
 BS'n me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...you started
it."

[BLACK ICE]

                        

1  


New Windows
 


The blonde had the windows in her house replaced with new
 double insulated energy efficient windows.

 Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor,
 complaining that the work has been done for a year and
 she has yet to make the first payment.

The blonde replies, "don't try to pull a fast one on me. The
 salesman who sold me those told me that in one year
 they would pay for themselves.

[BLACK ICE]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
 afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane
 developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane
 started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the
 passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there
 were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I
 save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world,
 I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a
 long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of
 you. Take the last parachute and live in peace".

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said
 "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped
 out with my back pack."

[BLACK ICE]

A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was repeatedly
 hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an
 effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire
 evening learning them all.

The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she
 immediately retorted, "Hey ... I bet I know something that ALL of
 you don't know. I know ALL of the state capitals which proves
 that not all blondes are dumb."

 The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her
 co-workers finally asked, "OK ... what's the capital of Wyoming?"
 
 To which she smugly replied, "W."

[Mac Attack]

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[BLACK ICE]

                   Good one Attack.

[BLACK ICE]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen

[Mac Attack]

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

[Mac Attack]

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p**** once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"