Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

That's not what the kid said.

 

             I do like to keep the jokes civil? lol

[BLACK ICE]

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

 The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

[Mac Attack]

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

Snowman As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

 The reindeer looked hard at the hoof full of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

huh?
3AM?
At the bar?

lol

I know..........delete the word "Snowman".

 

[BLACK ICE]

                                                               Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
 1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

Snowman
 2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

 3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

 4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

 5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

 6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

 7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

 8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day.

 9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

 10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

[Mac Attack]

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

[BLACK ICE]

To the tune Of Santa Claus is Coming to Town


                           Your father is drunk
 
 Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
 You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
 Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.

 He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
 I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
 Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,

 He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
 And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
 Sooooooo....

 You better not pout, you better not cry,
 I don't like that look in his eye,
 Daddy's home and I think he's....
 Daddy's home and boy is he.......
 Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

[Mac Attack]

Yo momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"

[BLACK ICE]

 Santa's Pet Peeves
 Department Store Santa Peeves

 8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.

 7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.

 6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"

 5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask

 4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School

 3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes

 2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam

 1. Two words: lap rash

[Mac Attack]

I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:

12 million illegal immigrants.
3 million crack heads.
42 million unemployed people on food stamps.
2 million people in over 243 prisons.
Half of Mexico.
535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate.
1 useless President.

Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Heck DID I FORGET?

[BLACK ICE]

 Santa Hates Your Kid
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
 8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

 7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

 6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

 5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

 4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

 3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

[BLACK ICE]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course “perfect.”
     
       One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.
       
       There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
       
       Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
       
       Who was the survivor?
       
       The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
       
       So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.

[BLACK ICE]

Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.

[BLACK ICE]

 Twelve Days of Fast Food
 On the first day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


 On the second day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Two Happy Meals,
 and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the third day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the fourth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the fifth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the sixth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the seventh day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the eighth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the ninth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the tenth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the eleventh day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Eleven pounds of blubber,
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

 On the twelfth day of Christmas,
 My drive through gave to me:
 Twelve bags of Pepto,
 Eleven pounds of blubber,
 Ten baked potatoes,
 Nine polish hot dogs,
 Eight bowls of chili,
 Seven pints of cole slaw,
 Six chocolate milkshakes,
 Five onion rings,
 Four Egg McMuffins,
 Three Biggie Fries,
 Two Happy Meals,
 And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese


 

[Mac Attack]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[Mac Attack]

Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator.