Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

               Variations on Murphy's Law
 

 The Law of Reality
 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The Law of Self Sacrifice
 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Volunteering
 If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Motivation
 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law
 You always find something in the last place you look.

Wailer's Law
 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Volunteer Labor
 People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law
 In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
 That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution
 Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
 There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness
 You can't fall off the floor.

Heeler's Law
 The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law
 Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law
 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg's Second Law
 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
 the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
 

[BLACK ICE]

 
            Kids Say the funniest things


It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat,
 five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with
 a sitter. When the family returned home, they were
 carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what
 they were for.
"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by,"
 his older brother explained.

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one
 Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"

~

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching
 the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props
 and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked
 the children, "What's in here?"

"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"

~

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can
 you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was
 just planning to support your daughter. The rest
 of you will have to fend for yourselves."

~

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
 Grandma answered, "39 and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
 "And how old would you be if you let go?"

~

The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell
 me, do you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is
 a good cook!"
 

[BLACK ICE]

 

 A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
 trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
 began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
 uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
 was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
 around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are
 ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well, yeah, if
 that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
 they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
 circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
 after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you
 trying to call me a horse's behind?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
 enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
 horse's behind."

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
 writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 

[BLACK ICE]

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the
 Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic
 church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide
 what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and
 consideration they determined that the squirrels were
 predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
 God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
 not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they
 humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles
 outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with
 the best and most effective solution.

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members
 of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

[Mac Attack]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

[BLACK ICE]

                     I Love You...
 

 English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
 Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
 French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
 German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
 Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
 Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
 Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
 Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina,
 South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi,
 Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of
 Florida. . . . . . . . .

Nice Butt, Get in the truck!
 

[Mac Attack]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[BLACK ICE]

         
                 Church Signs
 

 The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
Under same management for over 2,000 years.

Soul food served here.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead
 of the age of rock.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

Come early for a good seat in the back.

Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened
by whitewash.

K-mart isn't the only saving place!
 

[BLACK ICE]

              How to Call the Police
 

 George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going
 up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left
 the light on in the garden shed, which she could
 see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the
 light but saw that there were people in the shed
 stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in
 your house?" and he said no. Then they said that
 all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
 lock his door and an officer would be along when
 available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
 phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you
 a few seconds ago because there were people in my
 shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
 now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung
 up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
 Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
 Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught
 the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought
 you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
 available!"

[Mac Attack]

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . .
Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .Again . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . .totally exhausted . .she let out a piercing
scream . . . .
She shouted . . . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"

[BLACK ICE]

A blonde went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy
 preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
 English saddle.

 The blonde asked what the difference was.

 "Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

 "Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into
 too much traffic out here."

[BLACK ICE]

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been
 sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver
 steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
 "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. I
 can't do anything right. I overslept, and was late to an important
 meeting, so my boss fired me."

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I
 have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I
 discovered my wallet was left in the cab."

"At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.

So I came to the bar and was thinking about putting an end to my
 life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison."

[Mac Attack]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

[BLACK ICE]

A blonde went to her mail box several times before it was even time for
 the mailman to make his rounds.
 
 A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was
 waiting for a special delivery.

 Her reply: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail".

[BLACK ICE]

A blonde reported for her university final examination which consists
 of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
 stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration
 takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
 marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
 
 Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating
 it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
 coin, swearing and sweating.
 
 The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

 The blonde replies, "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking
 the answers".