Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

My grandfather and my grandmother were discussin' their 50th wedding
 anniversary when she said, "Shall I kill a chicken tonight?" "Naw,
 said Grandpappy, "Why blame a bird for something' that happened
 50 years ago."

[BLACK ICE]

                               Gender Identity
 
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert
 to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have
 a gender. For example...

Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you
 can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
 warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
 buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons
 are pushed.

Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
 have to light a fire under it. . . and, of course, there's the
 hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain
 water.

Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.

Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
 up.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
 bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
 consider -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
 while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
 trying.

[BLACK ICE]

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.
 
 They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume
 of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into
 the thick of traffic.
 
 This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked
 drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
 
 The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on
 the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of
 his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
 
 A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
 amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding
 your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
 
 The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find
 out where his head is, so I can kick his butt."

[BLACK ICE]

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[BLACK ICE]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly
the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it....he was
a DWARF!

 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So,
I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

[BLACK ICE]

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, his shirt
 open at the collar, but is stopped by a bouncer who tells
 him he must wear a necktie to get in.
 
 So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for
 a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees
 a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties
 these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly
 acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
 
 He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully
 looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well,
 okay, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

[BLACK ICE]

Philosophers Of This Century - Enjoy

 
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
 
 
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
 
 
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes

that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
 
 
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
 
 
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. 
 
 
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
 
 
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
 
 
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
 
 
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
 
 
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
 
 
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
 
 
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
 
 
~ Spike Milligan...
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
 
 
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
 
 
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror
 
 
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier.

I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
 
 
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
 
 
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked
 
 
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
 
 
~ Warren Tantum... (School photo album).
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical
 
 
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap
 
 
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
 
 
. ~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
 
 
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone
 
 
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
 
 
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

[BLACK ICE]

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who
 had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr.
 Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the
 USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you
 to eagerly pay them with a smile."
 
 "Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face. "I
 thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

[BLACK ICE]

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a
 priest to give him a ride.

 He's driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side
 of the road and thinks, "Hot! A lawyer that I could run over!" So he
 speeds up and heads straight for him.

 At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves
 real quick to miss him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no
 sign of the lawyer.

 He says to the priest "Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that
 lawyer!"

 The priest then replies "That's ok son, I got him with my door."

[Mac Attack]

A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, "What do you think is your worst quality?"
The man says "I'm probably too honest."
The boss says, "That's not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality."
The man replies, "I don't give a sh*t what you think!"

[BLACK ICE]

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying or dating nymphomaniacs.
The problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....
But the maniac stays.

[BLACK ICE]

            Sorry guys, I'm down on the Hudson Striper fishing.

[Mac Attack]

            Sorry guys, I'm down on the Hudson Striper fishing.

 

[BLACK ICE]

 I didn't know what to get my mother in law for mothers day so I bought her, an expensive
          Cemetery plot.
          This year I didn't get her anything. She was quick to complain that there was no gift.
          I replied to her that " You haven't used the gift I got you last year".

[BLACK ICE]

         3rd world country goes in to space.