Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

              Good one Attack>

[Mac Attack]

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[BLACK ICE]

YO MAMA IS SO FAT.... ... When she hauls ass she has to make two trips. ... When she dances she makes the band skip. ... When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live. ... She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. ... Her ass has its own congressman. ... Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard. ... When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts. ... Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph. ... Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side." ... The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. ... all the restaurants in town have signs that say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama" ... when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton. ... when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down. ... she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth. ... she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her. ... when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall. ... she could sell shade. ... when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.. ... people jog around her for exercise. ... I ran around her twice and got lost. ... she gets runs in her jeans. ... her blood type is Ragu. ... when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. ... if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it! ... she has to put her belt on with a boomerang. ... when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party. ... she can't even jump to a conclusion. ... she went to the movies and sat next to everyone. ... her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.

[BLACK ICE]

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"*

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.  Your friend over there, is also my

son, that's confidential."

[BLACK ICE]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.  Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. 

[Mac Attack]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Mac Attack]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

[Mac Attack]

Once a devil walked in a bar,
Every one ran away only one man had the guts to stay.
The devil asked to the man aren't you scared.
The man replied, "Why should I be, I married your sister 30 years ago".

[BLACK ICE]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human
 Resources Person asked a young Engineer
 fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were
 you looking for?"
 
 The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000
 a year, depending on the benefits package."
 
 The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a
 package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
 medical and dental, a company matching retirement
 fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car
 leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
 
 The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[BLACK ICE]

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid."

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur, milk man and the gardener."

[BLACK ICE]

When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that they remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"
 "I'm afraid not Reverend."
 "Oh, dear. What happened?"
 "Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she stooped to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and -- suffice it to say -- we lost all control right there."
 "Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church."
 "Yeah, that's what we figured," the young man sighed. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

[BLACK ICE]

Paddy murphy sees a fat woman at the bar and saunters upto her.

"Excuse me sweetheart, have you got a pen?"

Blushing, the woman softly replies.....

"Yes"

Paddy replied.....

"Well i'd get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!"

[BLACK ICE]

A Lion was walking through the jungle and met a Zebra. "Do you know who the king of the jungle is?" he asked the Zebra. "You are the king of the jungle," replied the Zebra. 
The Lion kept walking and came upon a Gorilla. The Lion roared and said, "Gorilla, do you know who the king of the jungle is?" The Gorilla said, "Lion, you are the king of the jungle." 

Next the Lion met an Elephant. He asked the Elephant if he knew who the king of the jungle was. Without ado, the Elephant reached down with his trunk, grabbed the Lion by the tail, and slammed him up against the nearest tree. 

The Lion, dazed, got to his feet and said, "Geez, you don't have to get mad just because you didn't know the answer."

[BLACK ICE]

[Mac Attack]

A baby seal walks into a club...