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Author Topic: Jokes - Keep 'em CLEAN too!!!  (Read 35148 times)
Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #585 on: Jun 19, 2017, 09:44 AM »

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #586 on: Jun 20, 2017, 05:48 AM »

                                                                      How careers end...

 Lawyers are disbarred.

 Ministers are defrocked.

 Electricians are delighted.

 Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

 Drunks are distilled.

 Alpine climbers are dismounted.

 Piano tuners are unstrung.

 Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

 Artists' models are deposed.

 Cooks are deranged.

 Dressmakers are unbiased.

 Nudists are redressed.

 Office clerks are defiled.

 Mediums are dispirited.

 Programmers are decoded.

 Accountants are discredited.

 Holy people are disgraced.

 Pastry chefs are deserted.

 Perfume makers are dissented.

 Butterfly collectors are debugged.

 Students are degraded.

 Electricians are refused.

 Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

 Underwear models are debriefed

 Painters are discolored.

 Spinsters are dismissed.

 Judges are disappointed.

 Vegas dealers are discarded.

 Mathematicians are discounted.

 Tree surgeons disembark.

Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #587 on: Jun 20, 2017, 07:48 AM »

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #588 on: Jun 21, 2017, 05:56 AM »

  I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them

 When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

 If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

 Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

 Why do 'tugboats push their barges?

 Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

 Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

 Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

 Why does one get in trouble for reckless driving?

 Does a fish get cramps after eating?

 Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #589 on: Jun 21, 2017, 09:56 AM »

Modern Proverbs

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #590 on: Jun 22, 2017, 05:56 AM »

                     It's crazy law time again, here are some from Illinois!

•The English language is not to be spoken.

•You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out!

•You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

•You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.


•It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.

•In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.

•Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

•Kites may not be flown within the city limits.

•It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.

•Spitting is forbidden

•It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.


•One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.


•Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.


•Cars may not be driven through the town.

Des Plaines

•Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.


•A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.


•It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

•Bowling is forbidden.

•It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.


•It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundaries from sundown to sunrise.


•It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.


•There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.


•It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.


•Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.


•A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.


•Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kirkland's streets.


•Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.

•There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

Morton Grove

•You may not own a handgun


•It is against the law to make faces at dogs.

Orland Prak

•No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.


•Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.

Park Ridge

•Trucks may only park inside closed garages.


•Basketball hoops may not be installed on a driveway.


•It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #591 on: Jun 22, 2017, 09:55 AM »

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #592 on: Jun 23, 2017, 04:39 AM »

Rhonda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
> had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the
> key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
> I’ll mail you check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my bulldog. He won’t
> bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to
> When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he
> discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
> just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
> repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
> time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally the repairman
> couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid ugly
> bird!”
> To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”

Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #593 on: Jun 23, 2017, 06:48 AM »

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #594 on: Jun 24, 2017, 06:17 AM »

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."
The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."
I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.
"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.
I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!
Complete darkness, the power was off!
Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!
After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."
"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps....

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed"
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #595 on: Jun 25, 2017, 04:52 AM »

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #596 on: Jun 25, 2017, 07:44 AM »

The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You can't fall off the floor.

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Jr. Member
Posts: 54
Location: Athol, N.Y.

« Reply #597 on: Today at 06:19 AM »

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

 A normally sweet Great Dane Psil has one quirk: she hates United Parcel Service drivers.

 While on a walk Psil one day, around the corner of a house came a UPS man.

 Struggling to keep hold of Psil, the owner tried to ease the situation said, "As you can see, he just loves UPS men."

 "Don't you feed her anything else?" he responded.
Sr. Member
Posts: 2,885
Location: Cheektowaga, NY and also a place on Point Breeze - Lake Erie

« Reply #598 on: Today at 07:03 AM »

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
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