Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

Two Irishmen were walking down the street with two salmon each under their arms. Two other Irishmen walking in the opposite direction see the two lucky fishermen and ask ” how did you catch those ?” Well its like this! Michael here holds my legs over the bridge, and I grab the salmon as they swim up the river. We got four salmon A great days fishing! So the fishless pair look at each other and agree to give it a try. They get to the bridge and Sean calls to his friend “hold my legs now Paddy”. Well he is hanging there upside down for thirty minutes when he suddenly cries.. “pull me up, pull me up!!” Paddy asks ” do you have a fish Sean?”………… No replies Sean, “there’s a bloody train coming!!!!!!!!”

      Come on guys you all must have a joke or 2 to share!

[BLACK ICE]

Reasons Why Boats Are Better Than Women:

 Boats only need their fluids changed every year.

 Boats curves never sag.

 Boats last longer.

 Boats don't get pregnant.

 You can ride a Boat any time of the month.

 Boats don't have parents.

 Boats don't whine unless something is really wrong.

 You can share your Boat with your friends.

 If your Boat makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.

 You only need to get a new belt for your Boat when the old one is really worn.

 If your Boat smokes, you can do something about it.

 Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have ridden.

 When riding, you and your Boat both arrive at the same time.

 Boats don't care about how many other Boats you have.

 Boats don't mind if you look at other Boats, or if you buy Boating magazines.

 If your Boat is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.

 You can have a beer while riding your Boat.

 You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Boat.

 You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Boat.

 You don't have to convince your Boat that you're a Boater and that you think that all Boats are equals.

 If you say bad things to your Boat, you don't have to apologise before you can ride it again.

 You can ride a Boat as long as you want and it won't get sore.

 Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Boat after you dump it.

 Boats always feel like going for a ride.

 Boats don't insult you if you are a bad boater.

 Boats don't care if you are late.

 You don't have to take a shower before riding your Boat.

 It's always ok to use tie downs on your Boats.

 If your Boat doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.

 You can't get diseases from a Boat you don't know very well

[BLACK ICE]

          I can't believe no one has any fishing jokes or cartoons to share!

[BLACK ICE]

You might be a crappie fisherman if..



1) You have a minnow hanging from your rear view mirror because you think it makes a good air freshener.
 2) Your wedding party had to tie tin cans to the back of your crappie boat.
 3) You call your boat "sweetheart" and your wife "skeeter".
 4) Your local tackle shop has your credit card number on file.
 5) You keep a 14 ft BnM rod by your favorite chair to change the TV channels with.
 6) You name your black lab "Mercury" and your cat "Evinrude".
 7) Bass Pro Shop has a private line just for you.
  You have your name painted on a parking space at the launch ramp.
 9) You have a photo of your 3 lb. crappie on your desk at work instead of your family.
 10) You consider viennies and crackers a complete meal.
 11) You think MEGABYTES means a great day fishing.
 12) You send your kid off to the first day of school with his shoes tied in a palomar knot.
 13) You think there are four seasons--Pre-spawn, Spawn, Post Spawn and Hunting.
 14) Your $30,000 bass boat's trailer needs new tires so you just "borrow" the ones off your house.
 15) You trade your wife's van for a smaller vehicle so your boat will fit in the garage.
 16) Your kids know it's Saturday---Because the boats gone,

[MickeyFinn]

Crow Mystery
Solved.
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern
that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains
of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was
definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular
impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that
varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing
these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by
impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car
kills.
The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the
cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby
tree to warn of impending danger.
The conclusion was that while
all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say
"Truck."

[Big Brother]

Dear Sir,I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.I am sorry to report, however,as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.I hope this answers your inquiry.Kevin R,
Bricklayer.

[BLACK ICE]

On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The bumpkin replies, "No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree."

The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'

"No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'."

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'

The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,

"Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog."

[BLACK ICE]

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

 "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti smoking campaign.

 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

 "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

 "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

 "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

 "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing! it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

 "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

 "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

 "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

 "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.

 "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

 "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

 "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

 "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

 "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

 "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[MickeyFinn]

An older man and a young fella were talking at work one day about fishing and hunting, after work the young fella asks the older man if he would like to stop for a cold one at the bar down in town on the way home... The older man says why the hell not .... They meet down at the bar and talk some more fishing and hunting and then the young fella tells the old man how he is thinks about proposing to his girlffreind...

The older man stops the conversation and says " look why don't you follow me home and have diner at my place" the young man accepts his offer....

They get to his home and the mans wife yells out the window " where the hell have you been ?" " who is that with you?"


His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.  "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!  What the hell did you bring him home for?

"Because he's thinking of getting married...."

[BLACK ICE]

        Good 1 Mickey.

[BLACK ICE]

A man is a person who, if a woman says,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her.
 
 A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad.
 
 A man is a person who, if a woman says,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself." - lets her and she gets mad - says,
 "Now what are you mad about?"
 
 A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,
 "Nevermind, I'll do it myself, and he lets her - gets mad.,
 and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" - says,
 "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

[BLACK ICE]

A Sunday School teacher, having trouble finding subjects to talk
about, was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his
time on the Ark.
  A girl volunteered, "Maybe he went fishing."
  A boy countered, "With only two worms?"

[BLACK ICE]

       You're going to get a few Noah's Ark jokes, I saw just the movie that was made in 1999, Noah's Ark w/Jon Voigt, so I'm on that kick for a while.

         
         Q: Did all the animals on the ark come in pairs?
 A: No the worms came in apples.
     

[OTIS]

        Good 1 Mickey.

X 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
 

[BLACK ICE]