Funnies

[Cornbread]

This is a story I wrote about my first (and last) experience eating perch roe I had this posted over on IceShanty for a while too so some of you may have already read it.

Perch roe, a cautionary tale:

Tonight I was cleaning some perch I caught earlier in the day and as I was cleaning them I noticed that the way I clean perch means their roe sacks come out fully intact. “Those kind of look tasty” I said to myself thinking back to salmon roe I have eaten in the past. “I wonder if they are edible?” So I sat down and Googled perch roe recipes and sure enough people said they are good but are “an acquired taste”. I am OK with fishy taste, and I have a really, really, really strong stomach. I can keep pretty much anything down, including bear steak where the bear has been eating fish, which most people can’t even touch without gagging.

So I figured I was a pretty good candidate for acquiring the taste for my new found delicacy. So from what I read they are best deep fried fresh until fully cooked all the way through. So I figured “why not? I’ll toss a few in a pot of hot oil and let them fry while I clean the others and then try them”.

I figured I would try four since they are small, and really what kind of man can’t bolt down four such tiny morsels even if they end up not tasting good, right?

I let them fry for a good long time until they were a deep golden brown. I took the first one out and sliced it in half. The consistency inside looked a bit like cooked pork sausage where the pork is finely ground. I blew on it a little, sniffed it and then popped it in my mouth.

Here were my initial thoughts:

Oh my!.....Oh yes!........I do believe……..yes, I’m positive…….this tastes exactly like the battalion sh!tters smelled after our entire platoon hit them after 60 days in the field during the Gulf War……only fishier.

Well I hate waste so I now was faced with 3.5 more of what can only be described as the culinary equivalent of a swift kick to the nuts. Something so foul, it is actually painful to eat.

“I know” I thought “I’ll cover it in good Dijon mustard, that will hide the taste”. I quickly discovered two things. “A”, no it won’t, and “B”, it didn’t. It simply tasted like freeze dried exhaust fumes with Dijon mustard on them. Mmmmmmm Yummy!

Only three more to go.

The next one I tried putting a bunch of salt and pepper on because they kind of look like Chinese wontons so maybe I could fool my taste buds in to thinking they were salt and pepper wontons. Apparently my taste buds don’t care what a deep fried fish turd looks like; they still taste it as a salt and peppery fried fish turd.

Two more to go.

Well maybe if I roll this one in spicy Chinese mustard it will over power my taste buds and I won’t taste the liquid fish @ss of the roe? This unexpectedly sort of worked, but I had to use so much hot mustard I was banging the table and crying “sweet love of petunias that stings” as my nose hairs fell out on the table. After the initial blast of mustard crying hotness….yep there it was……the unmistakable taste of that weapon of mass destruction known as perch roe.

One to go.

“How can anything so small, taste so awful?” I thought to myself as I stared down the final piece of fish death waiting quietly on my plate. “I mean those people on the internet who said it was tasty must have liked it……….oh wait”. And then it hit me, those people were probably old Norwegians.

You see I am Norwegian and I come from a background where at Christmas every year when I was little my older relatives would encourage me to “have just a little piece of Lutefisk” because they were sure “I would like it”. Every year, it was the exact same, it still tasted like somebody threw up in my mouth for me, then had me eat it, after they had, had fish earlier that day. I came to realize that my older relatives had gone through something I refer to affectionately as “Tastebudelpause” this is where you become so old that your taste buds no longer work at all. They have simply given up and died ahead of time and are just waiting for the rest of you to follow suit. This is the only possible explanation for how they can eat and enjoy Lutefisk. It must have been these same elderly Norwegians who had posted those perch roe recipes on the internet. Either that or it was somebody playing a really cruel joke on the rest of the internet world.

It is still there, looking at me, defying me to eat it. My stomach is sweating internally in silent encouragement for me to simply toss it in the garbage. No, I will not sink so low, I cooked it, I will eat it!

You know in the fishing regulations where it says “only inedible portions of game fish may be used for bait” or something along those lines? People are always saying “which parts are the inedible portions?”. I’m here to tell you folks, it is the roe of perch they are talking about, only it is so horrible tasting they cannot bring themselves to print those words or people will know they actually tried it once.

It is still there.

“OK Marine!” I say to myself “Time for you to just woof it down boot camp style and get this behind you”. So I do “Oh sweet spawn of all things dark and hideous” I think as the awful, thick taste of liquid fish @ss once again passes over my taste buds and in to my stomach, which at this point thinks it has done something terribly wrong and is being punished for it. I try and assure it that no, it has done nothing wrong, because to deserve this level of punishment it would have had to have committed war crimes or something equally awful, no, this is simply a culinary trial gone terribly, terribly wrong.
 
Then mercifully it is all over, the final one has been consumed. I feel a sense of accomplishment; I too have eaten perch roe!!!! I feel like I should call someone and tell them I have done such an amazing thing, but no, I have a better idea……

………I am off to post a five star review on some of those perch roe recipes so others can enjoy them too

[BLACK ICE]

[OTIS]

Cornbread, that was OUTSTANDING!  Laughed out loud at work...

[BLACK ICE]

Hillbilly Medical Terms
 


Benign................What you be after you be eight.

 Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

 Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

 Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

 Catscan................Searching for the cat.

 Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

 Colic...............A sheep dog.

 Coma...............A punctuation mark.

 D&C................Where Washington is.

 Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

 Enema.............Not a friend.

 Fester............Quicker than someone else.

 Fibula............A small lie.

 G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

 Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

 Impotent......Distinguished, well known.

 Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

 Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

 Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

 Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

 Node....................I knew it.

 Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.

 Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

 Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

 Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

 Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

 Secretion.......Hiding something.

 Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.

 Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

 Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

 Tumor...............More than one.

 Urine...............Opposite of mine.

 Varicose............Near by.

 Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
 warehouse or Franks lumber mill.



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[BLACK ICE]

           

[BLACK ICE]

          Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
 "Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS

[BLACK ICE]

           mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

 Mother: "What does the cow say?"

 Child: "Moo!"

 Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

 Child: "Meow."

 Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

 And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

 

[BLACK ICE]

             Many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

 After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.

 The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.

 The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the greiving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

 The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: "We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

 "Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!"

 "Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

[BLACK ICE]

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley. Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong and the third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day" and the first guy said "yeah, so" and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard"

[BLACK ICE]

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to pee in the boat."

[BLACK ICE]

           I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked, "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?" 

[BLACK ICE]

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

 The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

 The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

 The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

[BLACK ICE]

            A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

 (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

 She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

 "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip."

[BLACK ICE]

         A young man and an old man were fishing on a pier.The young man started telling the old one that the night before he caught a trout that was over 3 1/2 foot long.

 The old man replied "Oh yea, well I was here 2 nights ago and I hooked something huge. After a 30 minute fight I finaly got it up and it was an old lantern and the thing was still lit."

 The young man said "Your lying. I can't believe that."

 Then the old man said "I'll tell you what, you knock a couple of foot off your trout and I'll blow out my lantern."   

[Strike-Zone]

 
 
                   "You know you're a redneck when......

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.     

You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.   

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your nonworking TV.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.