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Author Topic: Funnies  (Read 142365 times)

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #30 on: Jun 18, 2013, 12:26 AM »

           Nice 1 Strike-Zone :clapping: :rotflol:

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #31 on: Jun 25, 2013, 04:27 PM »

          A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl, is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the priest asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #32 on: Jun 27, 2013, 04:25 AM »

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."               

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #33 on: Jul 01, 2013, 03:48 PM »

          The only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"   ::)   

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #34 on: Jul 06, 2013, 04:07 PM »

          A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

WaynefromMaine

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #35 on: Jul 07, 2013, 08:59 PM »
 :clapping: :clapping: :clapping: :thumbup_smilie: :thumbup_smilie: :bowdown: :bowdown: :flag:

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #36 on: Aug 03, 2013, 06:56 PM »

WaynefromMaine

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #37 on: Aug 05, 2013, 05:15 PM »
    Now that's what ya call redneck..   But definitely effective.. :clapping: :clapping: :thumbup_smilie:

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #38 on: Aug 05, 2013, 08:22 PM »
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Ronald Reagan's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Reagan told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Enjoy the breeze!!!

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #39 on: Aug 13, 2013, 12:39 PM »
                                                                     The bears                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

 There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have sex."

 After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge for his humiliation.

 He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

 There was another tap on his shoulder. This time, a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex."

 Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived, it did take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

 He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"


            

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #40 on: Aug 16, 2013, 03:44 PM »

                 

Lil' Johnny Meets Barack!


 


 


 


 


  Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one


 


 


of the classes. They


 


  were in the middle of a discussion related to


 


 


words and their meanings. The


 


  teacher asked the president if he would


 


 


like to lead the discussion on the


 


  word 'tragedy'. So our illustrious


 


 


president asked the class for an example


 


  of a 'tragedy'.


 


 


 


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best


 


  friend, who


 


 


lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs


 


  over him


 


 


and kills him, that would be a tragedy."


 


 


 


"No,' said Obama,


 


  'that would be an accident."


 


 


 


A little girl raised her hand: "If a


 


  school bus carrying 50


 


 


children drove over a cliff, killing everyone


 


  inside, that would be a


 


 


tragedy."


 


 


 


"I'm afraid not,' explained


 


  Obama.


 


 


'That's what we would call great loss."


 


 


 


The room went silent.


 


  No other children volunteered. Obama


 


 


searched the room. "Isn't there


 


  someone here who can give me an


 


 


example of a tragedy?"


 


 


 


Finally, at


 


  the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his


 


 


hand. In a quiet voice he


 


  said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs.


 


 


Obama was struck by a 'friendly


 


  fire' missile and blown to


 


 


smithereens, that would be a


 


  tragedy."


 


 


 


"Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you


 


  tell


 


 


me why that would be tragedy?"


 


 


 


"Well,' says Johnny, 'It has to


 


  be a tragedy, because it sure


 


 


as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you


 


  can bet your ass it


 


 


probably wasn't an accident


 


  either."






 

 

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #41 on: Aug 17, 2013, 03:30 AM »
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

"Walter," responds the little boy. "And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"

"First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

"Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually
gotten worse?"

"Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said
  that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

"Fourth, Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is
not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right:
question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks
him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?”

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the hell happened to Walter ?
who was sitting next to me before recess”

 

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #42 on: Aug 27, 2013, 03:09 PM »

        The only time a fisherman tells the truth is when he calls another fisherman a liar.

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #43 on: Aug 28, 2013, 03:02 PM »

BLACK ICE

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Re: Funnies
« Reply #44 on: Sep 11, 2013, 08:18 AM »

Seven retired Italian Floridian guys were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single-hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

 Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue but standing up.

 At the end of the game, Giovanni  looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

 They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be  gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.

 Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

 So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.

 The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

 Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

 "Tell  him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

 "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.


 

 



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