Funnies

[Mac Attack]

A wife told his husband to whisper her dirty things, the man then replied, "The kitchen, the living room, the bathroom and the dining room."

[BLACK ICE]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[BLACK ICE]

   Redneck Medical Terms

 Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium.................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan................Searching for the cat.

Cauterize..........Made eye contact with her.

Colic...............A sheep dog.

Coma...............A punctuation mark.

D&C................Where Washington is.

Dilate.............To live longer than your kids do.

Enema.............Not a friend.

Fester............Quicker than someone else.

Fibula............A small lie.

G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail...........What you hang your coat on.

Impotent......Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain..........Getting hurt at work.

Morbid..............A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff.......A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node....................I knew it.

Outpatient..............A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear................A fatherhood test.

Pelvis...................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative...........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room....Place to do upholstery.

Secretion.......Hiding something.

Tablet..........A small table to change babies on.

Seizure..........Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness....Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor...............More than one.

Urine...............Opposite of mine.

Varicose............Near by.

Hospital............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed
 warehouse or Franks lumber mill.

[Mac Attack]

Scientists invented a machine to catch thieves.
In 30 minutes in Canada the machine caught 10 thieves, in 15 minutes in the U.S the machine caught 5 thieves, in 3 minutes in Trinidad thieves stole the machine.

[BLACK ICE]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a drink.
 After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who
 owns the big white horse outside?"
 
 The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?"
 
 The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd
 like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger
 and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from
 heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver
 was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and
 said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver for a little while and see
 if you can create enough of a breeze to give him a little relief!"
 
 Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
 Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
 bar to finish his beer.
 
 A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
 owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and
 claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your
 Injun runnin'."

[BLACK ICE]

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never quite
 agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided he had
 found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his way of
 continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a huntin' dog
 that could walk on water.
 
 His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat. They
 got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down a
 duck...the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the
 duck, and walked back to the boat.
 
 The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you think
 about that?"
 
 The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

[BLACK ICE]

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the Medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma"

[Mac Attack]

Did you hear about the mod with an I.Q. of 2?
He was considered "gifted".