The Guys Code

[Cider]

if I knew a little something about what you women live by it might help. 

Now you're in for it!  You just had to ask didn't you!?! 

[missfishylicious]

here are a few good ones
Why Does He Always Have To...
Be dressed and ready to go before you are?
Put ketchup on everything except rice pudding?
Get off the phone in a microsecond if he answers when your mother calls?
Pretend he likes stars like Julia Roberts and Sharon Stone because of their acting ability?
Drive 20 miles over the speed limit?
Act as if his razor is priceless and should never be touched?
Toss change, keys, credit cards, on the dresser, no matter how many charming containers you provide?
Hand you the "living section" when you ask for part of the paper?
Make elaborate snacks the minute you've finished cleaning the kitchen?
Be such a charmer with your best friend after you've privately told her what a beast he's been all week?
Drink milk from the carton with great gusto?
Not understand the "toilet-seat thing"?
Assume you will take care of gifts, cards, and flowers for his family?
Want you to make a fuss when he does some little household chore unasked?
Say "I am listening to you" when he's not?
Get lost rather than ask directions? 
Put clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it?
Talk obsessively about traffic and traffic routes with other men (as in, "Did you take Route Seven?")
Wash all the dishes in the sink, but leave the big, dirty pots and pans for you? 
Stand at the refrigerator, shouting, "Honey, where's the mustard?" when it's right in front of him?
Turn the volume way down on the TV or stereo if he feels like talking, as if you weren't really listening anyway?
Spend hours measuring and making minute pencil marks on the wall when you ask him to hang up a few framed photos, then plop on the couch for the rest of the weekend with the weariness of a man who's just single-handedly built the railroad?
Take charge of everybody's automatic window buttons in the car?
Say "I'm starving" the minute you walk in the door?
Revert to the age of two during minor illnesses...as in: "Bring me homemade lemonade with lots of ice and a bendy straw!" or "People have actually died from a sprained toe, ya know!"? 
Be sent to the store with a detailed grocery list and return with four six-packs, an economy-size bag of generic taco chips, and twelve Popsicles?
Constantly ask, "Where'd I put my keys?" as though you watch his every move?
Complain there's nothing on TV but continue to watch (and channel surf) for the rest of the evening?
Observe that you have a closet full of stuff you never wear just as you're leaving to go shopping?
Leave his shoes in the living room?
Eat the last piece of leftover chicken and stick the saran-wrapped empty plate back in the fridge? 
Forget to zip his fly?
Accuse you of having PMS?
Hold an umbrella over you so that the rain invariably drips down your neck?
Tell you to "Shhh" until the next commercial - even if what you have to say is important?
Make horrible little hissing sounds when he's bored?

[missfishylicious]

and a few more
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an a$$ to pay for it all.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions.

[missfishylicious]

here it is
 1. Call.

 2. Don't lie.

 3. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

 5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

 6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

 7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

 8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

 9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

 10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lard*ss,"
   and "B*tch" are bad.

 11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

 12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

 13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

 14. Her cooking is excellent.

 15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

 16. Dish soap is your friend.

 17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and
   warm does not equal clean.
 
 18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

 19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
   going to end that conversation.

 20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

 21. Two words: clean socks.

 22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're
   all sweaty.

 23. Burping is not sexy.

 24. You're wrong.

 25. You're sorry.

 26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car
   than you think she is.

 27. Ditto for your discourse on football.

 28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single
   bound.

 29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

 30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

 31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

 32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
 
 33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

 34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

 35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

 36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like
a complete jerk until she does it for you.

 37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

 38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

 39. Always, always suck up to her brother.

 40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.

 41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.

 42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

 43. Her haircut is never bad.

 44. Don't let your friends pick on her.

 45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact
   that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in
   the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it
   balances everything.

[missfishylicious]

I just like this one


His and her road trips
HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn't find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn't spell pernicious.

She seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside...

And of course you're still lost.

 

[Bobman]

BuuuurrrrrPPPP, scratch, scratch...... After readin' that all I can say is I'm goin' fishin' unless there are some hot chicks around that want to stare at me while I suck in my gut and talk about sports and cars      !


Those are good thoughts missfishy, are you sure your not my wife because those are her exact thoughts/wants/demands !

[fozsey]

Here ya go...

A man walking along a California beach, was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, "Lord,I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking , when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong',  and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied..."You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[bussman]

Priceless!

[fastribs85]

i love it it ruly is priceless
and i pick for thast way you can race your buddies in thier sports cars while looking for haot chicks

[missfishylicious]

" Those are good thoughts missfishy, are you sure your not my wife because those are her exact thoughts/wants/demands !"


Thats what iritates most woman about guys   
but I can't help but see how cute it is that they stick to there guns........
no matter how pathetic there guns may be 
 
 
 

[vancouvercanuck]

This is why it's not advisable to have a conversation with your wife while eating dinner...just remain silent,and nod politely at whatever she says, regardless how stupid or inane her comments are

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Shoot."

[fozsey]

Time for the FROGGY...........



LMFAO....Quit it...my sides hurt....

[fastribs85]

ouch side hurts stop your killing me

[fozsey]

Three mates are down the pub. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke, Fred, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to Fred and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"I'll tell you," Fred replies. "Just the other night my missus came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".

[fozsey]

And one more....

Why men are always Happier than Women

What do you expect from such simple creatures!?

Their last name stays put.

The garage is all theirs.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

They can be President.

They can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell them the truth.

The world is their urinal.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

People never stare at their chest when they're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

They know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

They can open all their own jars.

They get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Their underwear is $6.95 for a six pack.

Everything on their face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

They almost never have strap problems in public.

They are unable to see wrinkles in their clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

They don't have to shave below their neck.

Their belly usually hides their big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

They can "do" their nails with a pocketknife.

They have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

They can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.