Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
 
 Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
 
 Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
 my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
 
 Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
 
 Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
 
 Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped.It's because
 I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade
 show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
 trademark on it?"
 
 Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything
 about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
 
 At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because
 he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller
 had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a
 cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

[BLACK ICE]

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven. When he got to the pearly gates,
 Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances
 in education on Earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly
 soul must answer three questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
 2. How many seconds are in a year?
 3. What is God's first name?
 
 Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, "The two days
 of the week that begin with 'T' are 'Today' and 'Tomorrow.'
 There are twelve seconds in a year.
 And God has two first names; they are 'Andy' and 'Howard.'

Saint Peter said, "Okay, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow. Even
 though it's not the answer I expected, your
 answer is correct. But, how did you get twelve seconds in a
 year, and why did you ever think that God's first
 name is either Andy or Howard?
 
 Forrest responded: Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc..."

"OK, I'll give you that one, too," said Saint Peter, "but what about the
 God's first name stuff?"

Forrest said, "Well, from the song, 'Andy walks with me, Andy
 talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...' and the
 prayer, 'Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...'
 Saint Peter let him in without further discussion.
   

[BLACK ICE]

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
 greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it
 is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
 
 To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
 But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
 
 The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
 to pass through the gates.
 
 "Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
 
 "What word?" she asked.
 
 "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
 
 The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
 L-o-v-e."

 St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
 and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
 minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but
 what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter
 reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers
 to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
 
 So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful
 angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the
 gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
 
 "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
 
 Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I
 left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make
 it to Heaven?"

 To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word
 first."

 "What word?" he asked.
 
 The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[BLACK ICE]

  Lessons Learned
 

 No one listens until you make a mistake.
 
 Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 
 The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 
 The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of
 the bread.
 
 The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
 reach it.
 
 The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 
 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
 If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
 before.
 
 Don't sweat the petty things....or pet the sweaty things.
 
 A fool and his money are soon partying.
 
 Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
 
 If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
 
 Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
 
 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
 
 Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
 
 Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
 Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
 
 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
 Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
 
 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
 
 If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
 
 

[BLACK ICE]

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet
 when a policeman ran up to help.

 "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the
 shaken man told the cop.
 
 "The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How
 could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

 "I recognized her laugh!"

[BLACK ICE]

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.


She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?"


 THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

[BLACK ICE]

 An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks
 his list and says, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place,
 fella." So the engineer disappointedly reports to the gates of Hell,
 wondering what he did to deserve this.
 
 Pretty soon, having accepted his fate, the engineer gets
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush
 toliets, escalators, etc., and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
 
 One day, God calls Satan up on his telephathic connection and
 asks, "So how's it going down there in Hell?"
 
 Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
 conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no
 telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.
 We're having a wonderful time.
 
 God replies: "What?!!! You've got an engineer? That's a
 mistake -- he should never have gotten down there. Send him up
 here."

 Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
 keeping him."
 
 God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
 
 Satan laughs uroariously and answers, "Yeah, right! And just
 where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

[BLACK ICE]

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Oklahoma. He shot
 and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
 other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
 drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
 and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are
 not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys
 in Oklahoma and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
 and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
 how we settle disputes in these parts of Oklahoma. We settle
 small disagreements like this with the Okie Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's that?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my
 land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three
 times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
 decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed
 to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
 walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his
 heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
 him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's
 last meal gushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to
 his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get
 to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said,
 "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can
 have the duck."

[BLACK ICE]

A man goes into his doctors office for an annual
 physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and
 says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you
 have a condition which only allows you another 6
 weeks to live."
 
 "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I
 haven't felt better in years. This just can't be
 true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
 
 After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might
 start going down the street to that new health spa
 and take a mud bath every day."
 
 Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
 
 "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you
 used to the dirt."

[BLACK ICE]

 A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I
 want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains
 cremated."
 
 "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
 
 The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to
 the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have
 everything."

[BLACK ICE]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
 when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver
 to stop and he got out to investigate.

 "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

 "We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

 "Oh, come along with me then."

 "But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

 "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

 "But sir, I have a wife and two children!" the second man answered.

 "Bring them as well!" the wealthy lawyer said.

 They all climbed into the limo and once underway, one of the poor fellows
 says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 The lawyer replied, "My pleasure, the grass in my back yard is about two
 feet tall."

[BLACK ICE]

"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said. "How old are you again?"

 "I am 78." The man said. "78?" asked the doctor. "How do you stay so
 healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married
 that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and cool
 off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.

 "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

 "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

[BLACK ICE]

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a
 severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the
 largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities
 turned out including: Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry
 Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was
 piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the
 eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was
 kneaded."
 
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
 with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
 squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as
 a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived
 by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The
 funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Mac Attack]

 

[Mac Attack]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"