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Author Topic: The Tale of Hugo First  (Read 6834 times)

Cider

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The Tale of Hugo First
« on: Mar 30, 2004, 11:20 PM »
As written by the members of MFF...

There was a man from the poorer side of town who lived more than anything to rise at sun up and go to the river fishin’.  His name was Hugo First.  And so he did, when ice first left the river's edge, wade on out at dawn's first light on that cold and gloomy day and try to catch a fish.  It didn't matter what kind of fish.  However, Hugo had a deep dark secret that was eating at him and decided he could no longer live without revealing the truth.

He had never registered for the selective service.  And, alas, had allowed his Green Card to expire.  So he told the authorities that he never registered and they said it didn’t matter now cause you are too old, but the important thing is you still have a fishing license.  Yup, he replied, bought it in 1972 and had it ever since.  It was falling apart so I laminated it a few years back.

Sitting in his jail cell, all Hugo could do was think of the river.  He swore that he would buy a fishing license if only he could get his boots muddy again.  As he lay down to ponder his future, he fell asleep and low and behold, began to dream of fishing.  Those cherished times of his youth spent with his grandfather at the farm pond's edge filled his head bringing a sleepy smile to his weary face.  He dreamt of catchin’ fish right and left, and especially of that huge rusty ole' covered wagon wheel with the remains of a flint arrow head buried deep in one of the remaining wooden spokes.  Hugo often wondered how that ended up in his Grandfather's pond...

Ah the wagon wheel, it seems that the pond was constructed directly on the route of the Santa Fe Trail.  Hugo thought that maybe his great, great grandfather was standing on the back of his wagon bow-fishing when the Cherokees ambushed the wagon train.  When the Native Americans saw the carp grandaddy had subdued they began diggin’ holes and planting one fish and 3 corn seeds.  After a couple years of care, the Cherokee's tree began to bear fruit that strangely resembled small fish made of wood.  You got high when you ate it because it got you to thinking about the monster fish in the pond just waiting for your lure!!

So Hugo finally snapped out of his stupor and was disappointed to realize that he is still laying on a cot in a jail cell and that the Pepperidge Farm goldfish crackers given to him by the guard truly aren't hallucinogenic...

At this very moment a representative of PETA showed up and offered to bail Hugo out.  If, he will publicly renounce fishing.  At that time, Al and Ron showed up to help him with his defense.  Hugo, however, refused to leave his cell, which Martha had recently redecorated for him making it quite comfortable.  Hugo sat back down in his decorated cell, and said to the guard and the P.E.T.A. rep. "to renounce fishing is like giving up on life, I would much rather sit here, with my wonderful memories and dreams!"

Later that night Al and Ron under the guise of picking nitecrawlers, dug a tunnel under the jail and with a pick and busted through the floor of Hugo's cell.  Hugo was very happy to see that his recently redecorated cell came with a jigging hole!  The warden soon realized that he might have to return Hugo's vintage 1972 laminated fishing license and force him to leave.  On the way out he slipped on Martha's throw rug and broke his bass, they had to call in a Sturgeon!  With the sirens blaring, they made their way to the river's edge, trapped until they spied a tiny row boat, their only means of escape.  This was going to be a challenge though, as they only found the boat and no oars…

As luck would have it, the local Minnkota rep was catfishin' not more than 50 feet downstream and offered to give them this year's newest top of the line electric trolling motor (which he always carried at least two in his Plano Mini Magnum tackle box) in exchange for one thing... promise of a fishin’ trip together someday.  All they would need is a battery and they just might have a chance.  :-[

Fortunately, Ron had a double AA grapefruit in his lunch cooler, they stuck the electrodes into the overly ripe grapefruit and slowly pulled away from the shore.  To there surprise on the banks behind them was Martha peeling her clothes off, now totally nude, diving into the water screaming...  Suddenly, from the tree line emerges Vancouvercanuck!!!  Slamming clenched fists against his chest and grunting aloud to the housekeeping gods, he prepares to take his mate…but in the blink of an eye, Kobe Bryant jumped out from behind a tree and swept Martha off to some motel, leaving the unlucky canuck alone to his devices.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the middle of a river, Ron's grapefruit ran out of juice and just up ahead were dead man's falls!  Being a close relative of MacGyver, Hugo whipped out his trusty trouser trout and threw it out the side of the boat to anchor.  Phew, that was close he says!  Then, all of a sudden…a subtle strike at the end of his trouser trout, then a harder strike and the boat begins to capsize!!!  "It's Walter!!!!", sings Hugo in soprano.  Walter was Martha's cross dressing peg legged half brother, two years her senior, he had just been cut loose from rehab for the third time and was on his way to a bass tournament when he heard his sister's screams.

As it turned out, Walter and Hugo were actually long lost fishing buddies from the third grade.  They were so happy to be reunited that they searched through Martha's pile of discarded clothing and found her purse full of Imclone stock profits.  Hugo quickly stuffed the $600K into his pocket, then they headed off to the nearest bait and tackle shop.  But first, Walter, being fully in touch with his feminine side felt it necessary to clad himself in Martha's unmentionables…  Hugo, feeling a bit uncomfortable, suggested they get moving ASAP for it seemed the subject of fishing wasn't getting the attention it truly deserved...focus man!

So, Hugo asked Walter what he did whilst he was in the slammer for three years.  Walter said he can now train nightcrawlers for fishing tournements.  Hugo was very skeptical about Walter's side-show freak worms, but they had just arrived at the bait and tackle shop, so there was no time for talk because there were fish to be caught and Hugo needed tackle...

So in they went and bought a boat with all the gear, and all the tackle in that store.  The manager had a fit because now there wasn't anything in the store to sell to the next guy.  But he was secretly relieved to see the freak in female prison garb leave his store.  Hugo and Walter were now stuck with another dilemma.  What would they use to tow the boat to Hugo's favorite honey hole???

So off they went to get the best, biggest, tow the most, most options, best looking, best gearing, most room, truck they could find…off they went to the DODGE DEALERSHIP!!!  But then they remembered that Daimler, a German company, bought them so they stopped instead at the FORD DEALER and bought a loaded F250.  Which promptly broke down as luck would have it in front of a Chevy dealer.  Unfortunately, all the Chevy trucks were on recall for one friggin' reason or another.  So off they went, back to the trusty dodge dealership!  "There's something to be said about going with your first instinct," said Walter to Hugo, "I can't wait to get on the water!"

So off they went in their Dodge pulling their 12,520 pound boat behind them up a 60 degree grade at 120 mph no problem when low and behold who is standing on the side of the highway hitchhiking but Martha herself!

Since they were acting like a bunch of feeble minded old ladies and couldn't make up their minds about which truck was best (deep down Hugo knew that a Chevy was what he really longed for), they stopped at the local truck stop and stole a Kenworth.  Now it was off to that favorite fishing hole with a nude and somewhat ravaged Martha riding shotgun.

At this point all she wanted to do was go back to jail…when off to the side of the highway, glistening through the trees, Hugo spots a trout stream in all its glory!  So being the bunch of rednecks they are, they grabbed their bass fishing rods and tied on a few midges with two pound bell sinkers out into the stream.  After several hours they are convinced there are no fish in this stream and as they begin to reel in their line an airborne monster muskie splashes the surface with Hugo's bait in tow.

It was the biggest muskie that either of them had ever seen or heard of before, and as Hugo launched from shore with his fists still clenched tightly to the rod a sapling crossed Hugo's path, just when the fight was getting good.  Alas poor Hugo, no one knew that he was also related to Fat Boy.  The fish was lost and the sapling was thrashed down to a nub!


Hugo was irritated to say the least and felt as if he would never catch another fish as fine as the one that just got away...  Hugo and Walter scratch their heads attempting to decipher why Vancouver has a picture of a branch?!?!?  ???

This was the first chance to sit and consider their last 24 hours, the exertions of the day had taken their toll and exhausted they simultaneously fell into a deep sleep and began to dream.  Next thing they knew they were being woke up by Hank and Jimmy.  Common boys lets go get some…  The dream that was interrupted included multiple hook-ups of monster fish and joyous times with members of the opposite sex, so the two where rightly upset at the sudden jolt back to reality.  But were they really awake or were they just dreaming the disturbance?

So, Hank and Jimmy offered to take Martha back to prison by way of the nearest HoJo's (at least THEY were going to see some action) and Hugo and Walter started to plan their next fishing quest.  When suddenly, as if on cue, Roland Martin, Bill Dance, and Al Linder showed up and said come with us and we will show you some of the best fishing beyond your wildest dreams.  They were about to leave when Dave Genz appeared.  He flattened Roland, Bill, and Al with a flurry of fists and feet.  "Come with me to my wintry wonderland and I will show you fishing beyond belief!!!" exclaimed Dave.  Ahh, but the ice was rotten and Dave fell through and drowned.  In the nick of time, Babe Winkelman swooped in with his bass boat and whisked Hugo and Walter off to Lake Okeechobee for some serious bass bustin'...

And so our intrepid adventurers climbed on the Genz Sleigh (available 2005) and were whisked off to Iceland to fish in the annual ice shark invitational.  Hugo and Walter thought that it was very cool to be cloned so that they could fish with Babe and the reincarnated Genz at the same time...

"Wake up you guys!!!!", screamed Martha, as she kicked at Hugo and Walter.  "This is no time to sleep!!!!"  Martha's frustration was mounting.  "And why the heck are you wearing my prison uniform  ??? (complete with a hand crafted prison ID# made with macaroni highlighted with quilted background, glitter and a lace border).  You guys look like Michael Jackson.  Suddenly Hugo started screaming.  "AM I EVER GOING TO GET TO FISH AGAIN!?!!?"

About that time Jay Yelas and Kevin Van Dam showed up in their newly won 29 foot skeeter rigged with the brand new 800 hp motor.  Sure, I will take you they yelled in unison!!  They piled into Jay and Kevin's rig and drove off into the sunset in search of a world void of humor, consisting of nothing but fishing...

So Hugo tied a skirted tube jig on his flippin' rod and started probing the weed beds for bucket-mouths.  Scoffing at Hugo's choice of tackle, Walter ties a foam bodied popper to the end of his fly line.  "Watch this!!!", brags Walter.  "Time for some topwater action.  Here is how real men catch fish!!!!"  Hugo was a closet fly fisherman and wasn't sure how Walter would take it.  With one deft movement he pitched his flippin' rod over and started fishing his favorite wooly bugger...

Instantly a 15 LB Lunker flew out of the water, then disappeared with the bugger in its mouth.  Hugo set the hook and the fish decided that he had picked his nose.  Hugo was then dragged in the water by the lunker.

But Walter had forgotten about his popper when the lunker bit the bugger until something grabbed his popper.  He set the hook, right into Hugo's nose!

Meanwhile the cloned versions of Hugo and Walter have been tearing it up on the sub-Artic Ice of Greenland and posted these photos on the ice shanty using the assumed names of Stringtheroy and Stephenhawking.






Meanwhile, on the Shanty, Trevor posts stating "That is the most insane thing I have ever seen!!!!"  "Sort of makes my 8" auger a tad useless!!!"

Back on the trout stream, Hugo and Walter are hooking into some fine bass!!!  Walter fought his bass ferociously, not realizing he had poor Hugo by the nose on the line.

Hugo dove and spun and jerked with all his might, but Walter's fireline was just too much for him.  Poor Hugo drowned a noble death and to this day his tale is told by Martha round the jiggin' hole in her cell at the county lock-up!


Credits go to:

reelcharacter for dreaming up the idea of the "one sentence wonder".

fishin_musician for starting this story.

Special recognition goes to Fat Boy for thrashing his tree and putting thoughts in Hugo's head.

Other contributors in order of appearance of their first post: fishin_musician, Webguy, reubenpa, baginwal, reelcharacter, crappieloo, USMC130FE, Cider, sbfpa_Mike, vancouvercanuck, shark, rgfixit, oakorchardfishking, Trevor, madbomber, livin4ice, TroutFishingBear.


Please let me know if I missed anyone that deserves credit here.

sbfpa_Mike

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #1 on: Mar 31, 2004, 06:05 PM »
Great work Cider!!!

Webguy

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #2 on: Mar 31, 2004, 06:57 PM »
Wow, I didn't realize it was so tall a tale!  :o
Cider, you have too much time on your hands  ;D , but a good idea.

rgfixit

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #3 on: Mar 31, 2004, 07:05 PM »
What a warped bunch or story tellers....I love it  ;D ;D ;D ;D

RG
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

reelcharacter

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #4 on: Mar 31, 2004, 11:00 PM »
Cider my friend,

You either have waayyyy toooo much free time on your hands, or are one he-- of a fast typer?!

The format is great. Much better than the "literal" way I had proposed on the commentary thread.

GREAT JOB!!!

You have now been unanimously appointed to be the "o-fish-al" transcriber for the MFF writers column.  :)  ;) (This distinguished position and a quarter will now get you . . .  come to think of it, what by gosh, will it get you)?  ???  :D

-Reelcharacter
Email me to swap information on fishing holes or to go fish'in sometime in the Syracuse Central NY area (Onondaga and Madison county water holes in particular).

fishin_musician

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #5 on: Mar 31, 2004, 11:56 PM »
WOW WOW WOW!!!! I #$%@ my pants all over again while tears were running down my cheeks. GREAT JOB Cider.  Who would have thought, an arty experiment, digital performance art concieved and executed by a bunch of good ole boys on a fishin web site. Congratulations. Dangerous idea indeed. So who's next? I'm ready to go, You Go First!
Life is Good on the Susky!
Date Registered:   Mar 04, 2004

Cider

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #6 on: Apr 01, 2004, 07:59 AM »
Guys - thanks, but it only took about ten minutes of cutting and pasting.  I had already started the project out of personal curiosity to see how the story read.  Then I saw your commentaries and figured no harm in posting it!

"O-fish-al" eh?  Sounds fishy to me!!  I don't mind doing it again for future stories if we come up with some more good ones!  ;D

See the thread titled "It was...".  We have a new one going.

vancouvercanuck

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #7 on: Apr 01, 2004, 01:06 PM »
Well Cider, I don't know what to say on this post.  :'( :'( Tears of joy I tell ya.


That's all................as you were. :-[
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oakorchardfishking

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #8 on: Apr 01, 2004, 03:55 PM »
hey canuck.... what is up with that avitar???.....lmao definitely pretty stange to say the least! must be a canadian thing!  (pssst.. im canadian too...lol)

reelcharacter

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Re: The Tale of Hugo First
« Reply #9 on: Apr 04, 2004, 11:51 PM »
hey canuck.... what is up with that avitar???.....lmao definitely pretty stange to say the least! must be a canadian thing!  (pssst.. im canadian too...lol)

I'm in the same boat, (the one called curiosity), is this some way you bring in the fish up there? Perhaps it is the o-fish-al national "fish dance"?  ???  ;D

-Reelcharacter
Email me to swap information on fishing holes or to go fish'in sometime in the Syracuse Central NY area (Onondaga and Madison county water holes in particular).

 



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