Grieving

[FarginIcehole]

when hunting and fishing used to be such an escape from the everyday grind i am finding the loss of my mother in december makes it more difficult to want to go out. i find myself not wanting to come home with a big bucket or stringer of fish, because she was always the one to take the pictures, cook it up and help me eat it.it has been 8 months and i still dont think i understand the grieving process. i am content to work as much as possible and sleep and stay home with my family.i often find myself thinking about (last year at this time).did i tell her how much i loved her,did i thank her enough for bringing me up right, does she know that we are doing alright and her memories will ever leave us??? for those who have lost can you give me any advise??? i just wonder if i can ever get back to normal and actually WANT  to go fishing. i think that maybe once we pass the 1 year since her death date things will get easier. i have found alot of good in her loss though. i am genuinly more sensitive towards peoples needs now. anyone can be here one day and not the next. i am also very angry that my insensitive and selfish S.O.B. of a father is as healthy as a horse and miserable in his existence and that god took my wonderful mom way to soon...... well i hope this topic is not too far OUT THERE , and you understand.  Fargin

[xrhino]

I admire the courage it took to come out and let your feelings be known.  I think your post is completely appropriate.  Everyone here has been very supportive of me in my recent losses, as I'm sure they will be for you.

I'm Seven months and five days out from losing my wife, and a month out from watching my best fishing buddy die on our boat.  Sometimes I think I'm OK, but the majority of the time I know I'm not all here.  Everything tastes bland, music does nothing to me, and I wander around bumbling through whatever I'm trying to accomplish.

Much like you, their deaths have cost me a great deal of the joy I used to find in hunting and fishing.  Erin used to actually order me to go fishing when she wanted a bluegill fry.  I loved that.  I haven't been back on Lake Michigan since Kirk died and hope never to set foot on that boat again.  Sure we'll sell it and get another, but the desire just isn't there.  I can barely get myself to sit at my fly vice let alone head out to fish.  If I do try to fish, I just end up thinking about both of them and getting very upset.  I too feel lost, brother, but it seems to be getting better by the smallest of increments.

Advice?  I think we would both be better served by not listening to me, but I do have a few thoughts.  Erin suffered atrocious, ungodly pain for months before she died.  I take great comfort in the fact that she is now without all the pain, scars, and disabilities that racked her physical body before she left us.  When I think about the moment I gave the OK to unplug her from the machines, my only solace is that she is now comfortable, contented, and beautiful again.  I hope that you can think of your mother in the same light.  She is more euphoric than we can comprehend and she knows how you feel about her.

I'm confident that our desire to be outside will return someday.  It's obviously an integral part of who we are.  Erin's birthday falls on opening day of WI deer season this year.  While I wonder if unbridled sobbing is a viable calling technique, I know I'll be out there.  Maybe she'll even send a big one my way.

Hang in there.  Let your family and friends (including those here) take care of you.  Accepting help is not a sign of weakness.  It's only that our loved ones want to see us get back to our old selves.  We never will, but we can come close.

Peace,
Lucas

[HOOKEMNCOOKEM]

Fargin-- I know what you mean. My mother died on October 15th which is opening day of bowhunting in New York. I was out hunting that morning and when I came home around noon she had died. I've never again gone on the morning of the 15th, instead I go to a mass I have for her. Keep your chin up though, it does get better as time passes.

[walleyechaser]

We all handle this kind of thing differently so what I say may or may not be any solace.
But I feel that our loved ones would want us to continue on being who we are and doing the things we enjoy.
I haven't suffered the losses that you guys have so I'm not an expert on this.   But my advice would be grieve and remember but at the same time enjoy every minute you are on this planet.  Life can change in an instant and you have to live every moment like its your last. 

My wife's brother was killed in a car accident so I've seen firsthand what happens when you lose someone so close.  It took her a long time to cope with this.  I don't think she will ever truly be over it. 

I hope that at least shed some positive light on things for you.  I'm not trying to be insensitive.  I know my time will come when I lose loved ones so I may eat my words when that happens.

[blaque]

I lost my mom over 10 years ago now, She was young.....and it was a total shock to me and my family. Literally smiling and happy one evening, everything comfortable and happy, and the next day, she was gone. I was only 25 at the time, so it hit even harder than the suddeness of it. I too, didnt do much with myself for at least a year, I wondered if i said all the things she was to me, and i know i didnt.......didnt exactly wear my heart on my shoulder.....just hoped she knew. But always second guessed whether she did or not. I spent alot of my time in a daze, didnt fish that whole summer, and like Fargin said, ......just kinda worked, slept , and sat at home. But im here to say, that its been a little over 10 years, and a long time ago.....and since, Ive learned to stop being  so sad about her memory, and learned to start  smiling when i thought of her instead of welling up. Not every time, i still miss her very much......and I have my moments still......but for the most part, it became easier to think of her memory fondly as opposed to being a mess thinking about the loss. Its a difficult topic to discuss here for sure, and a very hard journey........but the saying is true.....time heals all. Before you know it, you'll be out there on the water again and closer to nature and the outdoors than you ever were, because youll realize like i did that it will bring you closer to her. I dont feel any closer to my mom then when im out on the lake and take a break to look up into the bluesky and say hello, and just feel the warmth of the sun on my face almost as if hearing her say it back. Or when im salmon fishing the piers at night and see a sky full of stars. Everything becomes a sign that shes looking down on me and she is O.K. You'll figure it out in due time, but let yourself get all of that sadness out first, its difficult, but definitely part of the process.

[fishryc]

I realize that it will in no way comfort you, nor in any way may I express to you my most sincere condolences with the sad loss of one of your most dear loved one ....
 But, time, reflection, and the acknowledgement  that you and her have had (over the years) some unspoken but equally known words of love that will eventually help to comfort you......
 My "wake up call" came when I was 23 years old by way of a phone call to me at work that said "You need to come to the hospital where your mom is waiting for you. Your dad has passed" (Heart attack; unexpected)
 It was a lightening strike that took many years to deal with............
 That experience really opened up my eyes to what is really important in life, in my humble opinion: healthy and living loved ones. That's it. That's all I value now days. I could watch my home burn to the ground, I could loose my career forever, etc, etc, etc. It does not matter!
 It all boils down to your family being healthy and alive.............
 You have my sincere condolances

Scott (fishryc)

[bayonne]

my condolinces to all that have lost a family member i lost a brother to cancer 15 yrs ago he was only 34 yrs old and lost my farther about 5 yrs ago its tough but they would want you to carry on and not let it keep you from haveing fun doing what you love fishing or hunting

[Pikeguy]

This may or may not help you guys, but when Lucas (xrhino) mentioned the fact that music does nothing for him, a song immediately popped into my mind. It's "When I get where I'm going" by Brad Paisley featuring Dolly Parton. You may not be country music fans, and you will probably cry a little, but it really puts death in a slightly more manageable light...at least in my opinion. 

[OTIS]

I lost my father on 4/10/1994 and my grandfather (his dad) on 4/13/1995.  For the most part I believe I'm done grieving, but there are some times when I really miss my father.  During these times I get angry at him (ya kinda stupid).  There were a lot of things that he did for me, that I really wasn't aware of or that I took for granted.  Mostly it's his opinion on things that I miss the most, he was a smart guy with a lot of life experience.  He was always there to give me the little bit of encouragement I needed when I was unsure about something.  I don't think you ever stop missing someone though.