Story jokes

[TroutFishingBear]

Here is a thread for story jokes.

I deleted my shetland islands joke, if you want to hear it email me at [email protected]. It is not g rated though, beware.

Post your favorite story jokes!

[TroutFishingBear]

Here's another one.

There is this truck driver who just got out of his prison and his lawyer put them there. He really hates lawyers in general.
One day, he was driving down the road and he saw an old man in white robes hitchhiking on the side of the road. The truck driver stopped, and picked him up.
"Where to?" The truck driver asked.
"Thank you kindly for the ride sir, I'm a priest at the church a few miles down the road and I need to get to mass."
" You're in luck," the truck driver said, "I'm headin' that direction."
So they are driving along, and then the truck driver sees a guy walking along the side of the road carrying a briefcase, and wearing a fancy suit. It's definitely a lawyer. But the truck driver though to himself, I can't hit this guy with my truck, what would the priest think of me? So he decides to pretend to fall asleep and hit him, so it won't be his fault. so he does that, and swerves his truck over. He hears a thump. He pretends to be startled and wakes up.
"Did I hit him?" The truck driver asked.
"No," the priest said, "but I got him with the door."


LOL
Normally the truck driver is racist but I doubt that would be allowed on this forum, who knows the joke in its current form might not be allowed.
If anyone objects to these two jokes I posted, pm me and we'll talk about it and I may erase it.

[Pasquatch]

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[beerman]

The CIA is looking for a new sniper to add to there department. They held meetings and different competitions and narrow it down to 3 people.

They are all at the final test.  The first guy is up. He gets handed a gun and told that through that door in the next room is your wife and he was ordered to go in there and kill her.  If he does this he is hired on the spot.

The man looks at the door looks at the gun and hands it right back with a "NO". So he's out.

So the next guy is up. Same thing, handed a gun, through that door is your wife, Kill her your in.

He takes the gun sicks it in his pants and goes into the room. 20 min later he comes out and hands the gun back and says "no way i couldn't do it."

So they are down to the final guy. Same thing here's a gun go in there and kill your wife. 
The guy grabs the gun heads for the door and even before the door closes behind him

Bang, Bang, Bang, empties the gun click click.

For 5 minutes everyone hears crashing, yelling, and banging.

The door opens up and the guy comes out wiping the sweat from his head and as he hands the gun back he says "You should have told me the gun was loaded w/ blanks i had to beat the b***h dead w/ a chair"

[beerman]

Most of you prob. heard this one already but its a good one!!


There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?"

"Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!"

"You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

"Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

"Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!"

"You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

"Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?"

"Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's girl thingy-willow."

"Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."

[vancouvercanuck]

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I've got you a job" says his agent.
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor,
"I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's
the line?"
"Hark I hear the cannons roar" says the agent.
"Hark I hear the cannons roar?" the actor questions.
"Yes, hark I hear the cannons roar" confirms the agent.
"I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on
stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday
evening".

The actor is so ecstatic he got the job that he leaves and heads straight to his favorite bar and goes on a major bender.

He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening, after his bender, and runs to the
theatre continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the
bouncer.
"Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'""
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"you're late, get up to makeup straight away."

So he runs up to make up continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're late, sit down here" and she applies the makeup.
"Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on"

So he dashes down to the stage continually repeating his line;
"Hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar,
hark I hear the cannons roar".

"Who the hell are you" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'?"
"Yes, I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"Get on there, the curtains
about to go up"

So he tears onto the stage.
The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly from behind him comes an enourmously loud blast.

BANG

The actor shouts "WHAT THE F*&$ WAS THAT!!!!!"

[Polar]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The
father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then
I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit
the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared
and said: You've Got Male!"

[Polar]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the
station when he notices a little girl next door in a
little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
 
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.  The wagon
is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
 
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says
with admiration.
 
"Thanks," the girl says.
 
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the
girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles.
 
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell
you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
 
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
 

[devil-man]

LMAO! Those are good ones, Polar!

[billditrite]

"You're probably right,
but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

LMAO  that is a good one 

[Bobman]

Here's a couple, enjoy  :

Joke 1
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Pete told Arthur, Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone your want in Heaven. Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said I want to hang out with God. St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman? God said, Ah, yes. Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: First, there's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. Second, it chatters constantly at high speeds. Third, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. Fourth, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous. Hmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God, hold on. God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!

Joke 2
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women for an explanation. This is marvelous, she said. What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles? The Kuwaiti woman replied, Land mines.

[ferox]

Steve Irwin(crock hunter)goes in to a pub in Scotland with  4ft crock under his arm,he goes up to bar and announces loudly,anyone want a bet.I bet you i can put my b***s in this crocks mouth for 1 minute without it biting them off,if i can everyone in the pub buys me a drink,everyone agrees looking for some blood and guts.Steve puts the crock on the bar and opens its mouth with a stick,in goes his b***s and the crock shuts its mouth,after 1 min Steve picks up a beer bottle off the bar and smacks the crock over the head,the crocks mouth springs open and steve takes his b***s out,not a mark on them.Two hours later Steve shouts anybody fancy trying it,ill buy you drinks allnight__________SILENCE,after about a minute a wee woman at the back says aye ill have a shot but dont hit me too hard with the bottle.

[bigdave1018]

2 guys were sitting on a girder at a construction job and noticed a male dog licking his lower extremities. 1 guy says '' man i wish i could do that'' to which the other guy answered'' great but dont you think you should at least pet him ist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bigdave1018]

a polock and an irishman had 2 stores in the same area and the polock wasnt making any sales or very few. he decided to give the irish guys store a visit. a woman came in and wanted to buy grass seed. patty waited on her and told her the bigger bag was a better buy. she then bought the big bag. she was looking at lawn mowers and was going to buy a small push mower.  patty told her with all the new grass that she would have , it be easier to buy a riding mower . she bought the bigger mower and stan left going back to his store. a women came in looking for kotex and stan told her that the bigger box was more affordable. she bought the bigger box. then stan tried to sell her a riding mower. the woman said now why should i buy that? stan replied well as long as you cant have sex, you might as well mow your lawn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yw guys lmfoao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ferox]

Guy goes in to the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his nose.he says to the doc any thing you can give me for it? doctor takes a close look then pauses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'll give you some cream!!!.