Jokes

[Litchfield Fisher]

try to keep it fairly clean now   but any jokes you got post them here

[pooley]

> Eyewitness
>
> A
> man with a gun went into a bank and demanded
> their
>
> money.
>
> 
>
> Once
> he was given the money, he turned to a
> customer and asked, 'Did you see
> me rob this bank?' 
>
> The
> man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
> 
> The robber then shot him in
> the temple, killing him
> instantly.
> 
> He then turned to
> a couple standing next to him and
> asked the man, 'Did you see me rob
> this bank?'
>
> 
>
> The
> man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'
>

[hpflyfishing]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says "Hey did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Eye matey, its driving me nuts."

[Scientist]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on
   different areas of town.
 
   Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects
   2 to 3 dollars every day.
 
   Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a
   Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money
   to spend.
 
  Carlos says to Jose , "I work just as long and hard
  as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10
  bills every day?"
 
   Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say
   Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to
   support."
 
  Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
 
  Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?
 
  Jose shows Carlos his sign...... it reads: "I only need
  another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

[Litchfield Fisher]

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle on
   different areas of town.
 
   Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects
   2 to 3 dollars every day.
 
   Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a
   Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money
   to spend.
 
  Carlos says to Jose , "I work just as long and hard
  as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10
  bills every day?"
 
   Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say
   Carlos' sign reads: "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to
   support."
 
  Jose says, "No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
 
  Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?
 
  Jose shows Carlos his sign...... it reads: "I only need
  another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

nice

[tracker 1]

                   Praise the lord for Grandma

           She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store
and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly
sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is,
and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone
else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed,

' For the love of God! '

' Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and
smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my
brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.


Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma 


report abuse

[Scientist]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the 

coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair 

smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her 

complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a 

sexual harassment grievance against him. 

 

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.'   

[jdisci]

Moving to Nevada.

 A man walks in on his wife to find her packing her bags.
He asks her "What are you doing?"
 She replies "I'm moving to Nevada,there are prostitutes ther that get $400.00 for what I do for you for free."
 She later walks in the bedroom and finds him packing a suitcase and asks "Where are you going?"
 He replies "I'm coming with you ,I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year!"

[MickeyFinn]

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'The mother
answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind
was made.'Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.The
father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human
race evolved.'The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how
is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad
said they developed from monkeys?'The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is
very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told
you about his.'

[pooley]

An email from Ireland to the brethren in the States...a point to ponder

despite your political affiliation:.


'We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even bothering to hold

an election in the United States ! On one side, you have a pants-wearing

woman lawyer, married to a lawyer who can't keep his pants on, who just

lost a long and heated primary against a lawyer who goes to the wrong

church who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn't even like the

country her husband wants to run.


Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts

with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology married to a good looking younger

woman who owns a beer distributorship.

 

 


What in Lord's name are ye lads thinking over there in the colonies??

It's a no brainer!!

[pooley]

A young ventriloquist was doing a show in Newport.

With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes, when a blonde in the second row stood on her chair and started shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes,' she screamed. 'What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's people like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people. It's all because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general - and all in the name of humor.'

The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, whereupon the blonde yelled,

'You stay out of this. I'm talking to that little b#@%$&d on your lap.'

[pooley]

 Why I was Fired!
For the last company picnic, management had
decided that, due to liability issues, we
could have alcohol, but only one (1) drink
per person.


I was fired for ordering the cups.

[thekamikazekid]

 

[pooley]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this and I think should qualify for the Darwin awards:


Last  weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my  interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a  little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a  100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were  supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your  assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...

WAY  TOO COOL!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button...... Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that  if I pushed the button AND' pressed it against a metal surface at the same  time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the  prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home  alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad  with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my  cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading  the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a  flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping  Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a  sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect  herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a  tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my  nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions  said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a  two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of  bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant  flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than  three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at  this little device measuring about 5  inch  long, less than 3/4 inch in  circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy, teeny  triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What  happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip**censored**,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I  decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the  prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...... HOLY MOTHER OF  GOD....... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ........ WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm  pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the  recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over  again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had  never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,  obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all  over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself  with a taser.... one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second  burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until  it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BTCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I  can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my  wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My  bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was  upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.  My  triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face  felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88  lbs.  I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crappied myself, but  was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint  smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm still  looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe  return!!!   

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with  it !!

[sticks]

i love that one, i saw that a few years back and still almost upset myself laughing