Jokes

[Pajns]

 A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
    "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
    "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
    "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
    "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
    "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

[holden222]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[Pajns]

"I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife
...best trade I ever made."

[Pajns]

     Two old fishermen were sitting on a bridge catching a few crappies when a hearse went by.  The first man put down his rod and removed his hat. After the hearse was gone his friend said "Bill that was real nice showing respect for the dead like that". To which Bill replied "It was the least I could do, we would have been married 40 years next month".

[Pajns]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing a lot and hunting a lot and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

[tom1234505]

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing a lot and hunting a lot and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

good one pajns! thats why im gonna just stay with a girlfriend and not get married.... well maybeeee.....

[infectedtoe1952]

this father was showing his kids how to fly a kite. he got it airborn a few times and it kept crashing into the ground. his wife saw this and yelled it looks like you need more tail to which he replied thats funny last night you told me to go fly a kite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[piker1]

Sick leave situstion: I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling & made funny noises. My co-worker( who's Blonde)! asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a lightbulb so Boss would thinkI was "crazy"& give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came ino the office and asked, "what are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home& recuperate for a couple of days. I jumped down & walked out of the office... When my co-worker (the Blonde) folloed me,The Boss asked her "... ands where do you think you're going?" She said, " I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!!"........

[Pajns]

[tracker 1]

                       This explains a lot.  The nothing box !!

               http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs

[tracker 1]

 
 
Mr. Goldberg wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pileup on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this
gently... but the fact is... your man hood was chopped off in the wreck
and we were unable to find it.'
 
Goldberg groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in
insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology to
build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did...
maybe even better! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's
$1000.00 per inch.'
 
Goldberg perks up at this!! 'So,' the doctor says, 'It's for you to
decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and
you decide to go for nine inches, she might be a bit put out. But if
you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in five
inches this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that
she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
 
He agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day
and says, 'So, have you spoken with your wife?'
 
'I have,' says Mr. Goldberg.
 
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
 
 
'Yes, she has,' he says.
 
 
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
 
 
'We're getting granite countertops.'

[maggot]

Why couldn't the 11 year old get into the pirate movie?

Why

Because it was rated arg.

[Pajns]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the Pennsylvania dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down turnpike toward
Pittsburgh, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state police behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he
thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I' ll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife
ran off with an Pennsylvania State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the Trooper. ____________________

[tracker 1]

 

[fishermantim4]

guess i need to start coming up with speeding excuses. i always drive fast, that one won't work for me yet.