Funnies

[BLACK ICE]

A man went to visit his 90-year old grandfather and while
 eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he
 noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says,
 "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"
 
 His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold
 water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
 
 That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather
 made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around
 the edge of his plate, so again he asked, "Grandfather are
 you sure these plates are clean?"
 
 Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I
 told you, those dishes are as clean as coldwater can get them,
 now don't ask me about it anymore."
 
 Later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As
 he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog, who was lying on
 the floor, started to growl and would not let him pass.
 
 "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
 
 Without diverting his attention from the football game he was
 watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get your butt
 out of the way!"

[BLACK ICE]

During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument
 with my neighbor about presidential politics.
 
 Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican.
 
 I told him that my Father and Grandfather were Republicans
 before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition.
 
 "That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your
 Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves ?"
 
 "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be in the other major
 political party with you."

[BLACK ICE]

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
 
 I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of
 mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
 explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
 
 She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

[BLACK ICE]

Church Bulletin and Service Bloopers
 

 This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service
 bloopers:

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".
 *
 Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
 *
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church
 and community.
 *
 For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
 have a nursery downstairs.
 *
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First
 Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the
 side entrance.
 *
 Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday
 nights. She's used the program herself and has been
 growing like crazy!
 *
 The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
 birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs.
 Julius Belzer.
 *
 This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
 North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
 both ends.
 *
 Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
 All ladies giving milk will please come early.
 *
 This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come
 forward and lay an egg on the altar.
 *
 The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of
 the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
 congregation will join in.
 *
 Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
 the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do
 something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
 *
 The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
 kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
 
 Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
 *
 Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the
 addition of several new members and to the deterioration
 of some older ones.
 *
 The senior choir invites any member of the congregation
 who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
 *
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
 "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 *
 During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare
 privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe
 supplied our pulpit.
 *
 The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
 *
 The church is glad to have with us today as our guest
 minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with
 him. After the service we request that all remain in the
 sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
 *
 The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
 Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The
 congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 *
 The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
 *
 Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
 *
 Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
 preparing for the girth of their first child.
 *
 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items
 to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple
 children.

[BLACK ICE]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short,
 everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they
 took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
 
 After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on
 his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight
 to his room & starts studying.
 
 Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard
 at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to
 her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a
 word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
 This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to
 understand what made all the difference.
 
 Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it
 on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great
 trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got
 an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his
 room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy
 looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the
 books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?"
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school,
 when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
 around."

[BLACK ICE]

Before and After Marriage
 

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
 After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

 Before - Ricky & Lucy.
 After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
 After - Monday Night Football.

 Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
 After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - The Sound of Music.
 After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
 After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
 After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
 After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
 After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbocharged.
 After - Needs a jump-start

Before - We agree on everything!
 After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
 After - Fruit of the Loom.

 Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
 After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
 After - Idle.

 Before - He's lost without me.
 After - Why can't he ask for directions?

 Before - When together, time stands still.
 After - This relationship is going nowhere.

 Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
 After - Bagels and instant coffee.

 Before - Oysters.
 After - Fishsticks.

 Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
 After - How the heck did I end up with someone like you?

 Before - Romeo and Juliet.
 After - Bill and Hillary..

 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
 until I got married; and then it was too late."

[Mac Attack]

A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster.
When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it.
One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?"
The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"

[BLACK ICE]

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"

He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

He played the sax.

He smoked weed.

He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
 

[BLACK ICE]

A film crew  was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old
 Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
 
 The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the
 director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a
 hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his
 secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after
 several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for
 two weeks.
 
 Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene
 tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will
 the weather be like?"
 
 The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is
 broken."

[BLACK ICE]

  Are you ready for a groan joke tis morning?
                      The Stage!
     
 
During a performance for the high school drama class at the local
 theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed
 to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins,
 accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
 
 He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the
 back of the theatre shouted:
 
 "Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going
 through!"

[BLACK ICE]

You Know You're From A Small Town If....
 

 You can name everyone you graduated with.
 
 You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt
 road.
 
 You used to drag "main".
 
 You said a cuss word and your parents knew within the hour.
 
 You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
 
 School gets canceled for state events.
 
 It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
 
 The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
 
 You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.
 
 The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually
 just like your town.
 
 Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
 
 You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people."
 
 The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two
 years later.
 
 Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed
 store.
 
 You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
 
 Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
 
 You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.
 
 You know what 4-H is.
 
 You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask
 if you need a ride.
 
 You can charge at all the local stores.
 
 The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away. So is the closest mall.

[BLACK ICE]

 A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
 approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"
 
 He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
 
 The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
 
 "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
 what that means."
 
 The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

[Mac Attack]

One for Bob -


There were two retired men. One of the men said "I feel like a newborn baby,". The other man asked why. The man said, " I have no hair, no teeth, and I just peed in my pants.

[BLACK ICE]

            CATS


1) Cats do what they want.

2) They rarely listen to you.

3) They're totally unpredictable.

4) They whine when they are not happy.

5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.

6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.

They're moody.

9) They leave hair everywhere.

10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

[BLACK ICE]

                Old Geezer Thoughts

JUST SOME QUICK THOUGHTS TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment .... now, as
a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that
down, I'll remember it."

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I'm very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that
needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is
just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

 The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back
"no" which is shorter than "yes".

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll
do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

 Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

 Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I came in there for.