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Author Topic: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor  (Read 18237 times)

reelcharacter

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(CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« on: Mar 18, 2004, 11:55 PM »
OK, there has to be at least a few of you out there with a lower threshold of humorous self control.  :)
This topic is here for you.  ;)

If you can keep it clean and still have them "rollin in the aisles", post your funny outdoor story or tall tale here. (Please, do not make me sorry for going down this road) . . .  :-\

Looking forward to reading some of the outdoor tales I know each of you have out there.    :D

-Reelcharacter
Email me to swap information on fishing holes or to go fish'in sometime in the Syracuse Central NY area (Onondaga and Madison county water holes in particular).

DIRTBALL2

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #1 on: Mar 19, 2004, 07:15 AM »
I have a younger brother that I go deer hunting with every fall. As we all know, younger brothers are created for the sole purpose of being picked on. His deer stand is quite high up in a group of 3 good sized trees and there is a small creek running right under his stand. When I came up to his stand one day, I noticed he had taken a big dump right under his tree. Well of course I started giving him hell right away about how no self respecting deer was going to come near his stand with that nice fragrant aroma wafting from it. As he was climbing down from his stand, all the while bellyaching about how he had the rumble guts and had to go there, I kept on berating him that if he had to go so bad, he should go in the creek. I also made him scrape the pile into the creek. After I climbed up in his stand, we stood there for a while BS'ing. Then he start's bellyaching that he has to go again! Whereupon I reminded him that he should hang his a** over the creek. I'm sitting up there looking down at my baby brother with his bare a** hanging over the creek, thinking to myself, This is too good to pass up! Soooooooo...Taking careful aim with an apple I had in my pocket, I let it go!!!!! Just barely missed him and it hit the water with a resounding splash. You never saw a man move so fast through the whip alders with his pants down around the ankles. What he called me you wouldn't believe. Some of those words were new to me and I'm no angel. Needless to say it took me at least a half hour to stop laughing. Nearly fell out of the tree. Half the fun of going deer hunting every year is reminding him of the time he thought a muskrat was trying to get his goods! ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)
YOU CAN'T BS AN OLD BS'ER!

Fat Boy

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #2 on: Mar 19, 2004, 07:42 AM »
Well guys, I'm not to old to learn a valuable lesson the hard way.

Four years ago, Genz man and I went fishing in his boat at Mattawoman Creek, a tributary of the lower Potomac River South of D.C..  With warm temps the previous week and seemingly mild weather that day, we expected the yellow perch run to be in full force.  Neither of us caught a single yellow perch.  So we concentrated on trying to find the resident species.  Fishing was tough.  I caught one nice 14" largemouth on a grub, a ten inch dink largemouth on a 4" Hawgbuster tube, and 11 dink largemouth on a 1" panfish tube under a bobber trying to find crappie and perch.  Also, I caught one small white perch, about 12 nice size gills, and two slab 13" crappies.  Genz man caught two 13" bass on a plastic worm, about a dozen or so dink largemouth on the panfish tube pattern, and 4 big slab crappies. Most of the panfish came on the evening bite.  I was not on my game that afternoon, and here's why.

Genz man's boat is a car topper, a Coleman Crawdad powered by an electric motor.  Genz man was a good 300+ pounds at the time and I was pushing 225 then.  Without equipment, we already exceed the recommended capacity for that boat (rub a dub dub).  Anyway, I stood on the bow of the unstable boat to relieve myself over 15 feet of 47 degree water (I normally bring a bottle on board, but forgot this time).  After finishing my natural duty, I stepped back into the boat and my right foot slipped on a bag of plastic worms laying perfectly in my way.  I wobbled, the boat tipped, and over the side I went.  Luckily, I hung on the side of the boat and didn't pull the boat over and bring Genz man in with me.  I was not wearing a life vest at the time.  As I clung to the boat, it felt as if Genz man's 300+ pounds in all his glory was sitting on my chest along with his equipment, boat and car.  I couldn't catch my breath as I was tried to instruct Genz man on what to do.  He had a look of utter shock on his face.  In the meantime, Genz man extended his hand to me to pull me back in.  I thought it was a bad idea, that I might pull him in too, so when I finally caught my breath, I told him to tow me to shore (about 30 feet away) one word at a time...  "Bill... take... me... to... shore..."  Why didn't I swim? My body was one big cramp and I couldn't breath.  Genz man tried to tow me in while I hung on, but we had one major problem... We had both anchors down!  I moved around to the front of the boat and pulled up the anchor while Genz man pulled up the other one.  I have no idea how I had the strength to do it.  He towed me to shore where I peeled off my upper layers and put on the only piece of dry clothing I had left, a hooded sweatshirt.  I also put on my life vest to help keep me warm.  Air temps were around 60, fortunately.  However, a front had just moved through, the sun ducked behind a massive cloud, and the wind picked up to about 25 mph so wind chill made it feel like 35 degrees.  We headed back towards the boat ramp and found protected water where we fished until dark.  I had a hard time fishing while I shivered uncontrollably, but I was determined not to let my misfortune ruin Genz man's day.  That next day I was very sore.  It was like the cold sucked all my energy from my body.

What dumb a?? Kevin learned that day:

1)  I knew that most boat related drownings occur while people are relieving themselves, so now I always bring a bottle.  Also, in my mind, I couldn't do my biz on the shore that day because the land is a U.S. Govt. Military installation used for explosive testing and was strictly posted and patrolled. But I should have opted for that since I didn't have a bottle, it's a better risk than death.

2) Wear a life vest. (I used to always wear one, but as many times that I've been on the water without incident, I eventually thought it would never happen to me).  Now, again, I always wear one.

3) When things are tough, go to your confidence bait.  I should have fished my trusty 4" pumpkin/chartreuse plastic ringworm that day, I would have caught more quality bass.  I wanted to break myself of my reliance on certain lures like that and to be more versatile.  I had hits on tubes and jigs but didn't convert.  I would have had more hits on my worm, I'm sure of it.  I had no hits on a spinnerbait or crankbait.  I lost a fish on a skirted jig & plastic crawfish, probably a big bass (it felt like about at least 2 lbs. at the time, but later, it grew to at least 4 or 5).

4)  Don't...I repeat...Don't fall in when the water is cold.  Nothing prevents fishing prowess like freezing your tail off.

Fish Monger

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #3 on: Mar 19, 2004, 09:53 AM »
Ha Dirtball, that's a good one!!!!!!!!!!!  ;D  ;D  ;D
I don't think I have one that funny, but Fat Boy's post made me remember the time fishing with my father in law VERY early one spring. We went to shore for a pi$$ break as we were fishing a small pond with camps all around the shore line. For some odd reason he chose to land against a steep bank. He stood up in the boat, placed one foot on the bank, and push off the boat to try and raise himself up. Well the boat took off when he pushed, the bank was so steep that he couldn't stand on it, and he went right down between the boat and the shore into about 4 feet of icy water.

TroutFishingBear

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #4 on: Mar 27, 2004, 11:39 AM »
One day in one of my fav. brook trout lakes at about 11,500 ft. in elevation. the air temp. was around 50 degrees, windy, and the water temp. was about 40 degrees. We always fish off steep banks, and this fat guy , about 5'8" and about 300 lbs went past us to fish on another side of the steep bank. When he got there, he was about 13 ft. above water, and it is a VERY steep grade there, almost sraight down. Where he was fishing, there was a little lip right by where the steep bank met the water (about 3 ft. above) and he slipped, and rolled head over heals like a boulder, hit that lip, and was catupulted about 10 ft off of the bank.
I bet he did about 3 flips in the air, and he hit!!! He swam up. He said every word in the book, including the f-bomb about 10 times. and I was about 10 at the time, and I laughed as hard as I ever had, and he was over there freezing and almost drowning. Well, his friend got him back up and the fat guy that fell in said, " That fu**in kid is laughing at me!!!" and it was hilarious

reubenpa

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #5 on: Mar 27, 2004, 03:36 PM »
NO Duh, you would laugh to!!! Thats hilarious!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D :D
Just wanna be fishing, not just wishin

Bobman

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #6 on: Mar 30, 2004, 02:07 PM »
Here's one that happened to my friend's father while deer hunting.  My friend's father was out hunting from his tree stand wearing a one piece hunter orange insulated suit with a hood.  Well after sitting there a while he had to drop a load so he got out of his stand and found a spot about 100 yards from his stand to do his duty.  In case you've never worn one of those one piece suits, the easiest way to do what you need to is to take them all the way down from the top to you ankles.  This he did, and when he was finished he got dressed again and went back to his stand.  While sitting back at his stand he could still smell his deposit and though he should move because he was obviously to close to where he left his gut pile.  So he moves off another couple of hundred yards and sits down.  Then he sniffs around and it still smells so he gets up to move again when he realized that when he dropped his suit the hood fell open right into his line of fire and he actually sh*t in the hood.  Luck for him it was a zip off hood, which I saw the following day hanging in a tree near where the unlucky event took place to verify the story :D :D :D :D!!!
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sbfpa_Mike

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #7 on: Mar 30, 2004, 06:39 PM »
OMG,  LMFAO!!! That is a very funny and very scary story.  I will look for the hood from now on!!! :O

reubenpa

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #8 on: Mar 30, 2004, 09:07 PM »
that takes the cake!!

Reminds me of something my dad did.  He worked on a farm running some machinery. He was driving bulldozer and had to take a dump. You see Dad has degenerative arthiritis in both hips, and very little mobility in any joint in his body.  Well, he was already in the woods but couldn't find a log to hang over, so he grabbed a branch and hunkered there. He was about done and the branch broke and fell over the little pile.  Barely missing it!!!!!!   not near as good, but it reminded me of it
Just wanna be fishing, not just wishin

hosscletuslulu

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #9 on: Apr 25, 2004, 07:55 AM »
The same thing happened to a friend when we were in school he was hunting with a one piece suit and relieved himself in the hood but didn't notice until he had pulled the hood back over his head!Yuck! he said he barfed twice before he made it home to the shower :-X

reubenpa

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #10 on: Apr 25, 2004, 11:28 AM »
gag
 ;D ;D ;D
Just wanna be fishing, not just wishin

TroutFishingBear

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #11 on: Jun 14, 2004, 04:50 PM »
This is a dumb blonde joke.

Two blondes are fishing in a river, and the game warden comes to them.
The game warden asks, "Do you girls have licenses?"
"No," They replied, "but we only have magnets on the end of our lines, so we're not fishing."
"Okay." Replied the game warden, and he left.
" What a moron," one blond says to the other, and then the other one says, " Yeah. Doesn't he know there are steelhead in this river?"

Kind of corny, but it is funny.

kerosenecounty17

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #12 on: Jun 23, 2004, 07:04 PM »
Funny story first - My buddy and I went out Friday night before opening morning and got all juiced up.  We both woke up at the crack of death the next morning and stumbled to our respective stands.  I spent about 2 hours fighting back the gag reflex and swearing to God and anybody else that would listen that I'd never do anything like that again.  Then, I see my buddy heading through the woods for home.  I decided that as long as he was giving up early and heading back for a nap, he couldn't give me too much crap for doing the same thing.  So, I climbed out of the stand and caught up to him where I got "the rest of the story". 

He got to his stand that morning, climbed in and huddled down as deep as he could into his one piece hunting suit.  Got all nice and cozy, and proceeded to pass out.  He awoke some time later (about 2 hours) with the realization that he had to, as we put it, throw a wizz, really bad.  He stumbled out of his stand, got to the nearest big tree, and tried to unzip his suit, but couldn't.  He yanked and pulled, but couldn't get the dang zipper down no matter how hard he tried.  Turns out, in his hangover coma he had drooled all over the front of his suit.  The temperature was hovering around zero, and he froze his zipper shut with drool.  He ended up, well, you know the rest of the story.  Needless to say, the meat pole was empty at the end of the first day at that camp.

Now for a couple of jokes (Both stupid, but kind of fishing related.):

#1.  Tammy and Valerie (two blondes) are driving down a country road when they see their friend Vicky (another blond) in the middle of an alfalfa field fishing in a row boat.

Tammy says to Valerie, "Should we go see if Vicky is catching anything?"

Valerie replies, "How the heck are we gonna do that?  We don't have a boat."

#2.  Two guys are fishing when they spot a warden walking their way.  One guy takes off.  The warden chases him through the brush until they're both out of breath.  Finally, the fisherman stops and the warden catches up to him.  The man promptly pulls his license from his wallet for the warden to inspect.  After inspecting his license, the warden says, "You've got a license to fish, why the heck are you running?"  The fisherman says, "My buddy doesn't."


fISH2WIN

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #13 on: Jul 29, 2004, 04:08 PM »
True story, many years ago my father and I were anchored on a spot catching crappie in a local lake. Our preacher came along and ask how we were doing. Dad told him great so he anchored just across from us. Two hours later we had caught about 20 crappie to his 0 ) when he finally caught a nice one. He took out his stringer( This was in the early 60 before live wells and limits) placed the fish on the lowest rung and threw it over the side. He had forgot to secure it to the boat and as it sank he said "O Lord watch it go" and you know the lord watched go. Fish2win
Please do not cast into the trees. Most of the fish are in the water

reubenpa

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #14 on: Jul 29, 2004, 09:14 PM »
just so you know that some pastors can catch fish!!!  lol   I am a pastor and I catch fish!!! :o :o
Just wanna be fishing, not just wishin

 



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