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Author Topic: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor  (Read 18275 times)

fISH2WIN

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #15 on: Jul 31, 2004, 08:38 AM »
My current pastor is a very accomplished trout fishermen. The particular pastor I am referring to just had a cloud hanging over him when he was on the water. Once he came up to the lake and put his boat in the water. He tied it to the dock and left. Later that day we found it still tied to the dock sunk. He forgot to put the plug in.

Here is another true story.
When I was about 11 a friend and his father invited me to go Sauger fishing one February day. The limit was 10 or 11 per person. His dad was killing them while my friend and I were having only moderate success. The game warden came along to check his license. While my friends father was finding them the warden turned to my  friend as said " Son How many of those fish did you catch" My friend promptly replied" Only 2 but dad has been tearing them up" The game warden looked at his dad and said Sir those fish will cost you $100.00 a piece for every one you have over 12. There were still 2 laying in the bottom of the boat to be placed on the stringer. My Friends father said "In that case I don't need these two" he then reached down picked them up and through them over board. Fish2win
Please do not cast into the trees. Most of the fish are in the water

TroutFishingBear

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #16 on: Sep 16, 2004, 10:30 PM »
Okay I got one for you all one of my friends told me the other day. (this is true according to my friend

 :P)

One day two guys went icefishing. They decided to take their dog, a pure-blooded retriever too.

Well, they drove on the lake to the spot and remembered they forgot the ice augur. But they all got out, including the dog, and one of them did something where he used TNT daily, and he pulled it out of his pocket and they decided to use that.

They couldn't stand right next to it when it lighted or they would sink in the water or be destroyed. They couldn't light it and run away fast enough because it had a small fuse. So one of them thinks throwing it would be a good idea. So they light it, and throw it. The retriever runs after it thinking it was a stick and picks it up in its mouth. It starts running towards them thinking they were playing fetch. One guy had a pellet gun and shot the dog with it from about 20 yards away. It didn't hurt the dog, but the dog was scared, so it went and laid-down under the truck. "NO NO" they screamed, but too late.  No need to say what happened, but what's almost as bad is the guy's insurance wouldn't cover it :P

shrub

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #17 on: Apr 07, 2005, 03:55 PM »
the blonde's challenge the brunettes to a ice fishing tournament which ever group has the most fish by the end of the week wins, on the first day the score was Blonde's:0 Brunettes:100  on the second day the score is Blonde's:0 brunettes:200, on the third day the blonds still hadn't caught any thing, so the on of them put on a brunette wig and went of to the brunette shanty to see if they were cheating, she came back th next day and all the blonds asked "are they cheating" and she said " ya there drilling holes in the ice"
She said that if i go fishin one more time she was gonna leave me....whell im gonna miss her!!

bobberstop

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #18 on: Apr 09, 2005, 03:04 PM »
I just got this in an email and thought i would share it.


Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he run outa night
crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave
when he seen a snake wif a big  frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat
froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to  be
real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him
roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.


                                                             


He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself
free. But Boudreaux, him had  a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and
puts it in his  bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat
snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back
pocket of  his bib over hauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He
pour some drops into  de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back
in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de
bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe. He
slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin wif two more frogs.


                                                       Ron
Bobberstop


Ice Fishing @ www.iceshanty.com Fishing @ www.myfishfinder.com [url=http://www.myhuntingforum.com

shrub

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #19 on: May 12, 2005, 03:19 PM »
lol thats funny
She said that if i go fishin one more time she was gonna leave me....whell im gonna miss her!!

ol crawdad

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #20 on: May 13, 2005, 02:42 PM »
Read if you have a strong stomach.
Well, I have been asked never to repeat this story, but I can't help myself.  A few years back, my brother, a friend and I were icefishing on a beaver pond.  On the way down the bank, I had to go, and since I didn't have paper, I cut up an old work shirt in the truck and used pieces of that.  Well, the game warden showed up, and informed us someone had bought the property and would he would have to give us tickets for trespassing (no signs or anything).  On the way back up the bank, being a brown noser, I started picking up a few pieces of garbage - oil can, beer can etc.  My brother seeing me do this did the same.  Well we got our tickets, and went back to my truck, and I threw the cans in the bed, and my brother proceeds to empty his jacket pockets also.  What he pulls out are the pieces of shirt I had used earlier as tp.  I asked him, hey where'd you get those?  I just used something similar to wipe my a**.  Man, was he upset, and my buddy and I just split a gut.  Then he starts laughing himself - he was wearing another friends jacket...
story 2:  I was going woodchuck hunting one morning, and about a quarter mile from the house, I had to go.  Luckily, I brought tp, and everything was wonderful.  So I continue walking, and I look back, and my brothers dog is nosing around right where I had dropped the deuce.  So I yelled at her, and she left.  When I got back from hunting, my brother asks me, did you see Brandy?  She came back burping up something horrible smelling, and her fur around her mouth was all dirty... I nearly sh*t myself I laughed so hard.
Oh Lord - there he is, it feels like a big one, please don\'t let me lose him, I\'ve never caught one this big before.  I\'ll try not to horse him, and if I land him, I promise to release him, and make a graphite replica, if my wife says it\'s ok.  Thank you for the Rapalas...

OTIS

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #21 on: May 17, 2005, 02:38 PM »
You should have yourself a cup of coffee or two and wait a few minutes before you head out in the mornings... 8)
'If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under.' -- Ronald Reagan

'Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.' -- Ronald Reagan

bigdave1018

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #22 on: May 17, 2005, 07:16 PM »
pastor rueben, that one pic last year of you holding the male salmon and seeing them squirting all over your leg, priceless!!!!!!!!!! truly an awesome salmon pic, lol

unreel

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #23 on: Nov 04, 2006, 08:14 PM »
Just got this one in the mail:

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 25 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 25 years they`ve been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I`m fishing."

geothefisher

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #24 on: May 26, 2009, 06:57 PM »
I have a friend that everytime we go to a new body of water,  the combination of excitement and nervousness gives him the runs.  I can't count how many times he has left a pair of socks in the woods because we would launch the boat, get a good distance from the launch, and it would strike!  I always new when it was happening before he even said anything because the boat would make a sharp turn toward the shoreline, and I would start LMAO!  The two of us haven't fished together in years, so I don't know if it still hits him, but it supplied many laughs for several years.  We have been talking about fishing together again, now that life has started to slow down a little.  I have found a few places over the years that he hasn't ever been too, HMMM!!!! :rotflol:
It doesn't matter if you are trolling, casting, drop-shotting, flipping, pitching or jigging.  Just as long as you are FISHING!!!!   NAFC Life Member

fishermantim4

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #25 on: May 26, 2009, 09:27 PM »
this ones recent and personal.

its spring, the fish are spawning.

lets just say im glad it was sunny and i had my sun glasses on when i went to unhook the yellow perch before putting him in my bucket. sure was glad the guy next to me had a rag so i could clean up with, now i know to let the fish dangle away from me before handling them
"there's no fish in this ditch!"

Mainehazmt

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #26 on: Aug 21, 2009, 07:45 AM »
Okay I got one for you all one of my friends told me the other day. (this is true according to my friend

 :P)

One day two guys went icefishing. They decided to take their dog, a pure-blooded retriever too.

Well, they drove on the lake to the spot and remembered they forgot the ice augur. But they all got out, including the dog, and one of them did something where he used TNT daily, and he pulled it out of his pocket and they decided to use that.

They couldn't stand right next to it when it lighted or they would sink in the water or be destroyed. They couldn't light it and run away fast enough because it had a small fuse. So one of them thinks throwing it would be a good idea. So they light it, and throw it. The retriever runs after it thinking it was a stick and picks it up in its mouth. It starts running towards them thinking they were playing fetch. One guy had a pellet gun and shot the dog with it from about 20 yards away. It didn't hurt the dog, but the dog was scared, so it went and laid-down under the truck. "NO NO" they screamed, but too late.  No need to say what happened, but what's almost as bad is the guy's insurance wouldn't cover it :P
They did that one on mythbusters on tv      all I can say is


BUSTED!
I am a Proud Veteran I am Not a Terrorist!


Pout

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Re: (CLEAN) Off-Color Outdoor Humor
« Reply #27 on: Apr 20, 2012, 11:54 PM »
Alright, about nine years ago the old man, our fishing buddy (Howard), and I are making plans to head out crappie fishing during the spawn.  The previous few days we've been hearing reports of BIG crappie, but they are a 25 mile run up the lake.  Now, Dad's a bit headstrong and he's set at leaving the house at 5am, picking up Howard at 5:30, and launching by 6:30.  At this point I have to mention that the mornings are cold during this time of the year at our particular location and the crappie generally didn't get active until around 10am to noon.  Regardless, we adhere to the schedule and are launched and running up the lake by 6:45.  Howard and I didn't plan all that well and proceeded to b***h the entire way up the lake about the gawd awful early start and the gawd awful cold.  "I'm cold, you cold Howard?  Bet it wouldn't be this cold if the sun were up.  Should've left an hour later" etc...  By the time we reach the cove we're starting to get under Dad's skin, and then the wind picks up.  My responsibility on the boat was to tie the boat up to standing dead timber.  This would not have been an issue, but Dad parks the boat smack dab in between two trees that are about 10 yards apart and the wind is blowing us back into the channel.  Being as I can't reach either of them from the bow and don't have a paddle handy, I pick up my rod and start fishing.  Dad picks up a paddle and gets us to a tree, grumble, grumble, grumble.  I nail a solid 14" crappie before he finishes tying off.  Howard sticks another big crappie before Dad can get his rod.  Dad finally drops down as I'm swinging another solid crappie into the boat.  Dad rears back and hooks the tree.  "Sonofabitch, Grumble, Grumble, Grumble."  He reeled down and swung the rod like he was a tryin' to cornfield a catfish, and straightened the hook right out as Howard caught another fish.  On Dad's next drop he caught lumber again (Howard and I may have been needling him about this in between fish...).  Well Dad reels it down again and gives it a mighty yank.  The form was perfect, starting position: rod tip at the water, ending position: rod held at 12 o'clock directly above his head.  Only thing is this time the line snaps right as the top half of the rod becomes disconnected from the bottom half.  Dad's standing there with one half of a rod in both hands, his head tracking the flight of the top half as it makes a graceful arc, splashing down 50ft behind the boat.  Howard and I are a bit worried at this point.  Still gripping a partial rod, Dad brings it to eye level, "So Much for, THAT P..O..S..!!!" and slams it into the bottom of the boat.  I think at that point his only solace was that he was using MY rod! :laugh:  He recovered his humor a few minutes later after picking up another rod and began catching fish.  Out of that lake, we've never caught so many BIG crappie in one day, I think the largest ran 16 1/2". 

I have to say that is one of my all time favorite fishing stories of my Dad.  I still don't know how he had the patience to teach me to fish and fish well.  I'm glad he did, even if I wasn't the easiest fishing partners all of the time. 

 



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