Jokes

[Pajns]

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

[Pajns]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you that LIAR  told you I was speeding, too!"

[Pajns]

   
   


I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.


In 1986, Dan Harrison  was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the ChicagoZoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 

[Pajns]

It seems as if thats all we get anymore is bad news. It is a sad day.

Thursday, June 16, 2009
Pillsbury Doughboy Dead At 71
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out for the funeral including, Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and considered a positive role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

[infectedtoe1952]

how many guys on here that cant tell a pumpkinseed from a bluegill and dont know how to clean panfish and you think they can get the y bones out of a northern or a pickeral?

[Strike-Zone]

                    'In what aisle could I find Polish sausage?', a man asks.

                     The clerk looks at the man and says, 'Are you Polish?'

        The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.  But let me ask you something. 
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst,  would you ask me if I was German? 
Or if I asked for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? 
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? 
If I asked for some Irish whiskey,would you ask if I was Irish?'

        The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

        With deep self-righteous indignation, the man says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

        The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
 

[maggot]

is your refrigerator running???


yes


you better catch it before it gets away!!!

[tracker 1]

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to doit,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.."

--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

[tracker 1]

                  The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

[tracker 1]

Subject: Homeless Man

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a dirty
and shabby looking homeless man who asked him for a couple
of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some
beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the
homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the
homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying
to stay alive."

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to
give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home
for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,
and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important
for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up
beer and fishing."

[infectedtoe1952]

deleting snaggers[ one of the best fishers on here] posts and not almost all of the other flathead useless posts in here, and you know the ones im talking about!!!!!!!!!!

[NYSporty]

While loading up his boat he sees another fisherman walk up the bank with a stringer of fish. After much pleading as to the secret of his success the angler told him he was a doctor. His specialty left a nice supply of infected tonsils which seemed to work well for fish bait. Soon another man appeared with a stringer of bigger fish. The poor guy has to know and soon finds out it is another doctor who specializes in apendectomies leaving a supply of bait. Just as the guy is ready to leave he spots another angler with a bigger stringer of huge fish. When he asked the man what kind of doctor he was he replied "Doctor? I'm no doctor I'm a Rabbi"

[adkRoy]

Why did the police arrest the baseball player?


Because he stole second base. 

[NYSporty]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blond.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde,"we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the ottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"

_________________________________________________ _______________________________________

 I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"



An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some girl thingy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

[tracker 1]

WIFE'S DIARY:
Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HUSBAND'S DIARY:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.