Jokes

[tracker 1]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore
off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a officer in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It
was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.


(keep reading)



"My Rolex!"

[Raquettedacker]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ....
"Fifty" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I didn't care because I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[bart]

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the

doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was
from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

[BLACK ICE]

            A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, "Mom am I a real polar bear?" "Of course you are." His mother replied. The young polar bear asked his father. "Dad, am I a real polar bear?" "Yes, you are a real polar bear." A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?" "Yes" said his parents. Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, "Are all my relatives real polar bears?" "Yes, they are all real polar bears." Said his parents. "Why do you ask?" replied his mother. "Because," said the young polar bear, "I'm freaken freezing!